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Showing posts from March, 2014

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: Bracket V, Second Round (Matches 377-380)

Jackie Fargo VS Hardcore Holly
Hardcore may live up to his name and all, but Jackie Fargo (according to Jim Cornette) invented the whole using tables and chairs thing in professional wrestling.  (And the strut, as variated by Ric Flair and Jeff Jarrett.)  Fargo wins.

Triple H VS Terry Taylor
Red Rooster=Dead Rooster.  Game [goes] over.

Monty Brown VS "Wildfire" Tommy Rich
Originally, I was gonna put over Wildfire because he was NWA Champion back in the early 80's, when that sort of thing was hard to do, but then I read his Wikipedia entry.  He was champion for four days, and only because of politics.  Harley Race helped out Jim Barnett by letting someone from his territory to win it.  Take that away, and you've got a decent career, but no match for Monty Brown's athleticism.  He may not have been a good technical wrestler, but his power game was ferocious.  And he was a perennial bridesmade to whoever the TNA World Champion was for two straight years.  All main eve…

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: Bracket IV, Second Round (Matches 373-376)

BJ Whitmer VS Sonjay Dutt
Sonjay would put up a valiant fight, but Whitmer is still wrestling after having his neck broken from a piledriver on the ring apron.  To come back after that shows incredible fortitude and incredible stupidity.  Meaning he's not going to let anything stand in his way.  Whitmer picks up the victory.

D-Von Dudley VS Paul Bunyan
As tall and insurmountable as Paul Bunyan may seem, the Tallest Canadian Ever (which I've since found out is bullshit; have a look at Mr. Edouard Beaupre. Until this moment, I had no idea he existed, but I'm not sure I would've put him in the tournament if I had; there's no real record of his wrestling experience, other than beating people as a side show man, and more importantly, his whole life (and indeed, the 86 years after his death) were all exploitation because he died while working for the circus. And now, let's continue that sentence I was in the middle of:) would fall like a Redwood, because D-Von is sw…

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: Bracket III, Second Round (Matches 369-372)

Wladek Zbyszko VS "Big Cat" Ernie Ladd
In the 60's, Ernie Ladd was one of the biggest football players to ever step on the gridiron (6'9", 315lbs.).  He wound up in the AFL Hall Of Fame and the WWF Hall Of Fame.  But Even with all of his accomplishments, Wladek Zbyszko can say that he beat Ed "The Strangler" Lewis.  Twice.  Legit.  (We're talking in the 19-teens, before it was all a work.)  Gotta give it to Wladek.

Lance Hoyt VS "Grandmaster Sexay" Brian Christopher
There's a pretty sizable boot in Christopher's face's future, followed by a relaxing light-counting session.  Hoyt!

Buff Bagwell VS "Nature Boy" Ric Flair
The only real question here is: After Ric Flair beats this guy, is he gonna follow Buff back to his new job and try to be a male gigolo.  (Hey, don't laugh.  It's the Nature Boy, and he needs the money.  Could happen.)

One Man Gang (aka Akeem) VS Jay Lethal
As fun as seeing Jay Lethal (who does an …


"The Masterpiece" Chris Masters VS Eddie Edwards
I feel like Eddie Edwards’s hair is sharp enough to put a pin in this gassed-out muscle-man’s balloon physique, but his mat skills would make even more impressive work out of him still.  Edwards up and over the top.

Savio Vega VS The Iron Sheik
Sheik make you humble.  Make Savio humble.  Camel clutch numba one!  Iron Sheik numba one!  Savio Vega?  Hchach...PTOOIE!

"Rugged" Ronnie Garvin VS Steve Simpson
Steve Simpson’s rather ample skills run out in the face of the toughness of Ronnie Garvin.  The South African’s gettin’ Garvin Stomped.  (What’s a Garvin Stomp, you ask?  Think of when Randy Orton stomps each of his opponent’s limbs, but instead, it’s not terminally, match-killingly boring.  (Dude, killingly is a word; thanks spell check!))

Zeus VS "Scrap Iron" Adam Pearce
On paper, nothing can stop Zeus (short of Hulk Hogan with a loaded purse or causing him to fall really far), and knowing a) That, and b) How…


Due to the absurd length of the first round, here's a recap of what's gone down so far (and because my dude Luke asked nicely):


Sweet Daddy Falcone defeats Villano IV
Bobo Brazil defeats Chyna
Rob Conway defeats Jesse Gymini
Luke Harper defeats P.N. News
Mason Ryan defeats Jimmy Wang Yang
Jim Londos defeats Scott Armstrong
Johnny B. Badd / Marc Mero defeats George "The Animal" Steele
Mark Henry defeats Col. Robert Park


Chris Masters defeats Ian Rotten
Eddie Edwards defeats The Maestro
Savio Vega defeats "Bullet" Bob Armstrong
The Iron Sheik defeats Danny Doring
"Rugged" Ronnie Garvin defeats Danny Basham
Steve Simpson defeats Joey Abs
Zeus defeats Brad Maddox
"Scrap Iron" Adam Pearce defeats Dr. Jerry Graham


Wladek Zbyszko defeats "Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels
"Big Cat" Ernie Ladd defeats Gillberg (Duane Gill)
Lance Hoyt defeats Taka Michinoku
"Grandmaster Sexay" Bria…

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: Bracket I, Second Round (Matches 361-364)

Sweet Daddy Falcone VS Bobo Brazil
Both guys have size and power, but for real.  A Hall Of Famer against a guy who doesn't even have a Wikipedia page?  Bobo advances.

Rob Conway VS Luke Harper
Not even the con man can overcome a seven foot swamp dweller (who just gave John Cena a run for his money last night).  Harper gator rolls to victory.

Mason Ryan VS Jim Londos
I think the Greek God of the Great Depression would tie this ex-New Nexus musclehead up in knots.  Londos in four and a half.

"Wild Man" Marc Mero VS Mark Henry
Johnny B. Badd was better than a lot of people remember, but him attacking Mark Henry would be like a mackerel flapping against a brick wall.  Then that brick wall coming to life and flattening him with a world's strongest slam.  Henry goes over in six.

Come on back for Bracket II!


Trent Acid VS Matt Morgan
Dude, Matt Morgan is a beast.  Squash match.

Gene Anderson VS "Ravishing" Rick Rude
This would have been a good back and forth, but I gotta give the edge to Rude because of his greater experience in singles wrestling.

Robbie McAllister VS Adam Cole
The current reigning and defending ROH Champion against...some guy from central WWE gimmick casting?  Yeah, Cole in five.

Jake Gymini VS Silver King
Gymini wins because of his size.  Silver King is just too tiny to throw dude.

Magnus VS Van Hammer
The current TNA World Champion wouldn't even have to use his impressive array of heel shit to dispense with a member of Raven's Flock.

Kwee Wee VS Rhett Titus
Rhett Titus might not have the greatest mic skills in the world, but yo.  I have no idea what a Kwee Wee is, but I know Titus can outwrestle it.

Ole Anderson VS Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
Hey, Bobby Heenan started as a wrestler, so he gets a slot in this tournament.  (He even wrestled a Wrestlema…