Thursday, April 17, 2014

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: Brackets XIX and XX (Matches 433-440)

BRACKET XIX, Second Round (Matches 433-436):


 

The Godfather VS Edouard Carpentier

The Godfather tries to bribe Carpentier with Ho's.  Carpentier pretends to accept, then schoolboy's Godfather for the quick pin.  That's the quick-thinking of a former NWA World Champion.


 

Dakota Darsow VS The Undertaker

From Smash's sperm to smashed and spurned.  The bell tolls for Darsow.




Raven VS Rene Dupree

Raven will get you and your little dog too, French Tickler.




 Kanyon VS Spike Dudley

Who better than Kanyon?  Not Spike Dudley.  Kanyon was almost on DDP's level, so let's go with that.


BRACKET XX, Second Round (Matches 437-440):


 

Brodus Clay VS Whipper Billy Watson

The Whipper whips Barney The Jobber Dinosaur easily.




Nova (aka Simon Dean) VS Vic Grimes

Nova's not takin' no brain damage from Vic Grimes (ask New Jack about it if he remembers).  Super Dude for the win.


 

Abyss VS Randy Orton

If Randy Orton can beat Kane, he can DAMN sure beat TNA's muppet clone of him.
 

 

Jeff Hardy VS Vladimir Kozlov

These two were supposed to be in a Triple Threat match with Triple H at Survivor Series 2008, but because of an ill-conceived bait-and-switch, we wound up with perhaps the worst WWE Title Match of all time where Kozlov and H bored the audience to death.  A lot of people thought this was Hardy's night to finally win the Title, but whatever.  Enough of me blabbin'; we all know Hardy wins.


RECAP:

Edouard Carpentier defeats The Godfather
The Undertaker defeats Dakota Darsow
Raven defeats Rene Dupree
Kanyon defeats Spike Dudley
Whipper Billy Watson defeats Brodus Clay
Nova defeats Simon Dean
Randy Orton defeats Abyss
Jeff Hardy defeats Vladimir Kozlov

Come on back for Brackets XXI and XXII!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: Brackets XVII and XVIII, Second Round (Matches 425-432)

BRACKET XVII:


 

"The IT Factor" Bobby Roode VS Trytan

The longest reigning TNA Champion (not named Jeff Jarrett) or a guy who was with the company for a cup of coffee?  Roode in...about a cup of coffee strangely enough.


 

Junkyard Dog VS Mike Awesome

Controversy Alert: Mike Awesome goes over!  Dude powerbombed the fuck out of anybody who got in his way (except unfortunately whoever stuck him with the "That 70's Guy" gimmick), and was way more impressive in the ring than a lot of people remember.  JYD had the skills to pay the bills too, but I think one on one, Awesome was better.


 

"Wild" Bill Irwin (aka The Goon) VS Rey Mysterio

BooyakaBooyaka!  (There's going to be even less teeth in The Goon's mouth after the) 619!


 

Tatsumi Fujinami VS Rick Martel

A former NWA Champion and a former AWA Champion.  Who wins?  Fujinami is a helluva technical dynamo, having invented both the Dragon Sleeper and the Dragon Suplex.  But Rick Martel was the third longest reigning AWA World Champion in history, and given that Fujinami couldn't get the job done against Ric Flair at the first SuperBrawl, I gotta give it to the model.


BRACKET XVIII:


 

Batista VS Rikishi

Hope they reinforced the ring for the impact when Rikishi gets Batista-Bombed.


 

"The Texas Tornado" Kerry Von Erich VS Dory Funk Jr.

Both men are Texas legends.  Both men wore the NWA Gold.  But Dory wore it better.  This'd go a good 18:50 though.




Larry Zbyszko VS Kofi Kingston

Kofi can jump as high and as far as he wants; he'll still end up in Capone's Cradle, tapping out to "The Living Legend".


 

Goldust VS "Dr. Death" Steve Williams

Texas and Oklahoma!  Good God almighty, King!  This one is a little odd, as I'd argue Goldust is now, at 44, wrestling the best matches of his life.  He's been pro since at least the '91 Royal Rumble, so can you say this is his prime?  But then again, can you argue with the results?

Unfortunately, all of this is rendered moot by Dr. Death's AJPW Triple Crown.  And, hell, the guy won the World's Strongest Tag Determination League three times, twice as half of a team called the Miracle Violence Connection.  What the fuck can you do against that?  Williams wins.


RECAP:

Bobby Roode defeats Trytan
Mike Awesome defeats JYD
Rey Rey defeats The Goon
Rick Martel defeats Tatsumi Fujinami
Batista defeats Rikishi
Dory Funk Jr. defeats Kerry Von Erich
Larry Zbyszko defeats Kofi Kingston
"Dr. Death" Steve Williams defeats Goldust

Come on back for Brackets XIX and XX!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: Brackets XV and XVI, Second Round (Matches 417-424)

BRACKET XV:
 



 Mike Knox VS Rip Morgan

Good Ol' Knuxie Rip(s) Morgan a new one.




Chavo Guerrero Jr. VS Tully Blanchard

A great technical back and forth, (not many people give Chavo enough credit; dude is really good) but Tully Blanchard has this win on lock like he did the TV Title circa 1987.


 

CM Punk VS Paul London

In a baffling turn of events, CM Punk was a no-show.  Paul London wins via forfeit.




Nigel McGuiness VS Axl Rotten

Brit VS "Brit".  One has hepatitis C, the other just seems like he would based on his character.  As The Iron Sheik might say: "Nigel McGuiness is the real".  And while Axl Rotten ain't necessarily a jabroni, he's not going over one of the longest reigning ROH World Champions ever.


BRACKET 2000 (No, but it certainly feels like it):


 

Justin Credible (aka Aldo Montoya, The Portuguese Man O' War) VS Baron Von Raschke

Maybe that Claw Hold of Von Raschke's'll be enough to get that jockstrap offa Justin's Face.  (Former ECW Champion?  Yes.  Up to going over a legend in his prime like the Baron?  No.)




Brock Lesnar VS Rob Van Dam

You're telling me Rob Van Dam missed being in match #420 by TWO MATCHES?!?!?  I call bullshit!  I'm flippin' the table!  Raaaggghh!!!  [Table flip]  [Nerd rage] [Dumb Shit]

[Brock wins]


 

"The Prince Of Punk" Shannon Moore VS Nikolai Volkoff

In home country, Book of D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. doesn't give fuck about YOU!  Nikolai squeezes the shit out this kid wit da bear hug.


 

Gunner VS Jean Pierre LaFitte

The guy they were building to dethrone Magnus before bait and switching for Eric Young, or an ex-Mountie Pirate whose biggest storyline revolved around stealing Bret Hart's jacket?  Hmmm...I think Jean-Pierre was just out-Gunned.


RECAP:

Mike Knox defeats Rip Morgan
Tully Blanchard defeats Chavo Guerrero Jr.
Paul London defeats CM Punk (...somehow)
Nigel McGuiness defeats Axl Rotten
Baron Von Raschke defeats Justin Credible
Brock Lesnar defeats Rob Van Dam
Nikolai Volkoff defeats Shannon Moore
Gunner defeats Jean Pierre LaFitte

Come on back for Brackets X-Seven and X-8!

Monday, April 14, 2014

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: Brackets XIII and XIV, Second Round (Matches 409-416)

I've decided to double up the brackets this week because this is taking forever.  So here's two for one!

BRACKET XIII:




 Dick The Bruiser VS Ryback

Dick The Bruiser was a real tough guy.  Ryback just plays one on TV.




 Primo Colon VS The Big Show

For real?  Big Show.  No question.




Earthquake VS Joey Mercury

Let's just hope that when Quake sits on Joey Mercury's face, it doesn't explode again like it did at Armageddon '06.




Diamond Dallas Page (DDP) VS "Macho Man" Randy Savage

These two had some knock-down drag-outs in WCW circa 1997, with Page coming out on top and being made in the process.  If that Page had fought Savage from Wrestlemania IV time, it would've been a different story.  Savage is one of the best to ever do it, so he's going up to the top turnbuckle and over DDP.


BRACKET XIV:




 "Superstar" Billy Graham VS Ricky Morton

With no Robert Gibson to get the hot tag, it's gonna be all punishment and no reward for poor Punky.  Graham in ten.


 

Tyler Reks VS William Regal

William Regal'll tie Tyler Reks up in his own dreadlocks and make him think he was back on the Battlefield Earth planet.




Wade Barrett VS Rhyno

Believe it or not, the Man-Beast Rhyno is a three time world champion now (twice in TNA, as well as being the final ECW Champion as a rookie).  Dude's been around the block and has been underrated wherever he went.  So I'm afraid I've got some Bad News for Barrett.  Can I have some decorum as we raise Rhyno's hand in victory?


 

King Kong Bundy VS Sabu

Sabu can jump off of whatever the fuck he wants with whatever limb he wants wrapped in barbed wire, but Bundy'll just smack 'em out of the air.  A Five Count in five.


RECAP:

Dick The Bruiser defeats Ryback
The Big Show defeats Primo Colon
Earthquake defeats Joey Mercury
"Macho Man" Randy Savage defeats DDP
"Superstar" Billy Graham defeats Ricky Morton
William Regal defeats Tyler Reks
Rhyno defeats Wade Barrett
King Kong Bundy defeats Sabu

Come on back for Bracketx XV and XVI!