Friday, April 25, 2014

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: Brackets XIII-XVI, Third Round (Matches 565-572)

Due to some technical difficulties, I can't get this blog to akk rite and render pictures.  So we'll just have to run with all text today.

BRACKET XIII, Third Round (Matches 565 & 566):

Dick The Bruiser VS The Big Show

The Bruiser is a cigar chomping compatriot of The Crusher, a muscle-bound flat-topped bleach blonde who stomped plenty mudholes and did a fair amount of pedestian-based evaporation on the back end.  The Big Show, however, barely needs to move to fuck up your whole day.  One chop to the chest can cave in your rib cage.  Show goes to Round Fo.

Earthquake VS "Macho Man" Randy Savage

Quake was a helluv an irresistible force and immovable object all in one man.  But he was no match for the Madness Oooh, no.  You will NEEEVER EVER ever be able to stop the Madness, no you won't.  It's like a force of nature you just can't control, and yeah THE EARTHQUAKE is a force of nature, ooh yeah, BUUUT, the Madness will always be stronger, ooh, yeah.   THE MADNESS WILL ALWAYS BE STRONGER, DIG IT!?!??

I...think we dig it.  Dude.  We just channeled a promo from the beyond.  Savage wins on that alone!

BRACKET XIV, Third Round (Matches 567 & 568):

"Superstar" Billy Graham VS William Regal

An interesting contrast of styles.  "Superstar" was a heel Hulk Hogan before Hulk Hogan even started wrestling.  William Regal is one of the best mat wrestlers of the last 20 years.  Who wins out?  I've gotta go with Superstar.  That guy was the first long-term heel Champion the WWWF ever had.  He also beat Bruno Sammartino to do it.  The pedigree plus the 22 inch biceps are enough to overcome the technical prowess of William Regal.

Rhyno VS King Kong Bundy

This was really hard to pick.  In his prime (hell, in his rookie year), Rhyno was World Champion.  (In TNA and the real ECW.)  Bundy never won a singles title.  But he never needed one.  Sometimes it's the belt that makes the man, sometimes it's the man that makes the belt.  Hulk Hogan's four year run as champion was most important in the moments when it was in mortal jeopardy.  Hogan made the belt by overcoming overwhelming odds.  In early 1986, those odds took the shape of the monstrous, mountain of a man known as King Kong Bundy.  A man who smashed, who avalanched, who beat down Hulk Hogan so many times leading up to Wrestlemania 2 that the feud needed to be ended inside the confines of a steel cage.  Rhyno, as good as he's been, would've never been that big a threat to Hulk Hogan.  King Kong Bundy advances after a large hadron collision.

BRACKET XV, Third Round (Matches 569 & 570):

Mike Knox VS Tully Blanchard

Tully Blanchard, if he were an actual Horsemen, would literally hog tie Knox the Biker up with his lasso and ride off into the sunset, but since The Four Horsemen is a metaphor, we'll just say he does that figuratively instead.

Paul London VS Nigel McGuiness

Decent little matchup here.  In spite of being the Hero Of The Prophecy, Paul London isn't gonna last against the Spikey-Haired Superman (even if he's bald nowadays).

BRACKET XVI, Third Round (Matches 571 & 572):

Baron Von Raschke VS Brock Lesnar

It's almost like Brock would no-sell the claw, throw Raschke on his shoulders for the F-5 and call it a day with a slightly puzzled look on his face.

Nikolai Volkoff VS Gunner

Gunner will be TNA Champion someday.  If he isn't, TNA be fuckin' up.  (Whether that's because of incompetent booking or the company folding before they get around to it is, sadly, even money.)


The Big Show defeats Dick The Bruiser
Randy Savage defeats Earthquake
Billy Graham defeats William Regal
King Kong Bundy defeats Rhyno
Tully Blanchard defeats Mike Knox
Nigel McGuiness defeats Paul London
Brock Lesnar defeats Baron Von Raschke
Gunner defeats Nikolai Volkoff

Come on back for brackets XVII, XVIII, XIX and XX!


  1. Watching this to see if you're right!

    1. Bundy did...okay in that match, but what I was talking about was the buildup to Wrestlemania 2 in 1986.

    2. God I feel like such a nerd. I just "well actually"-ied somebody about Bundy's run at the title. THAT'S nerd shit, son.