Skip to main content

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: Brackets XIII-XVI, Third Round (Matches 565-572)

Due to some technical difficulties, I can't get this blog to akk rite and render pictures.  So we'll just have to run with all text today.

BRACKET XIII, Third Round (Matches 565 & 566):

Dick The Bruiser VS The Big Show

The Bruiser is a cigar chomping compatriot of The Crusher, a muscle-bound flat-topped bleach blonde who stomped plenty mudholes and did a fair amount of pedestian-based evaporation on the back end.  The Big Show, however, barely needs to move to fuck up your whole day.  One chop to the chest can cave in your rib cage.  Show goes to Round Fo.

Earthquake VS "Macho Man" Randy Savage

Quake was a helluv an irresistible force and immovable object all in one man.  But he was no match for the Madness Oooh, no.  You will NEEEVER EVER ever be able to stop the Madness, no you won't.  It's like a force of nature you just can't control, and yeah THE EARTHQUAKE is a force of nature, ooh yeah, BUUUT, the Madness will always be stronger, ooh, yeah.   THE MADNESS WILL ALWAYS BE STRONGER, DIG IT!?!??

I...think we dig it.  Dude.  We just channeled a promo from the beyond.  Savage wins on that alone!

BRACKET XIV, Third Round (Matches 567 & 568):

"Superstar" Billy Graham VS William Regal

An interesting contrast of styles.  "Superstar" was a heel Hulk Hogan before Hulk Hogan even started wrestling.  William Regal is one of the best mat wrestlers of the last 20 years.  Who wins out?  I've gotta go with Superstar.  That guy was the first long-term heel Champion the WWWF ever had.  He also beat Bruno Sammartino to do it.  The pedigree plus the 22 inch biceps are enough to overcome the technical prowess of William Regal.

Rhyno VS King Kong Bundy

This was really hard to pick.  In his prime (hell, in his rookie year), Rhyno was World Champion.  (In TNA and the real ECW.)  Bundy never won a singles title.  But he never needed one.  Sometimes it's the belt that makes the man, sometimes it's the man that makes the belt.  Hulk Hogan's four year run as champion was most important in the moments when it was in mortal jeopardy.  Hogan made the belt by overcoming overwhelming odds.  In early 1986, those odds took the shape of the monstrous, mountain of a man known as King Kong Bundy.  A man who smashed, who avalanched, who beat down Hulk Hogan so many times leading up to Wrestlemania 2 that the feud needed to be ended inside the confines of a steel cage.  Rhyno, as good as he's been, would've never been that big a threat to Hulk Hogan.  King Kong Bundy advances after a large hadron collision.

BRACKET XV, Third Round (Matches 569 & 570):

Mike Knox VS Tully Blanchard

Tully Blanchard, if he were an actual Horsemen, would literally hog tie Knox the Biker up with his lasso and ride off into the sunset, but since The Four Horsemen is a metaphor, we'll just say he does that figuratively instead.

Paul London VS Nigel McGuiness

Decent little matchup here.  In spite of being the Hero Of The Prophecy, Paul London isn't gonna last against the Spikey-Haired Superman (even if he's bald nowadays).

BRACKET XVI, Third Round (Matches 571 & 572):

Baron Von Raschke VS Brock Lesnar

It's almost like Brock would no-sell the claw, throw Raschke on his shoulders for the F-5 and call it a day with a slightly puzzled look on his face.

Nikolai Volkoff VS Gunner

Gunner will be TNA Champion someday.  If he isn't, TNA be fuckin' up.  (Whether that's because of incompetent booking or the company folding before they get around to it is, sadly, even money.)


The Big Show defeats Dick The Bruiser
Randy Savage defeats Earthquake
Billy Graham defeats William Regal
King Kong Bundy defeats Rhyno
Tully Blanchard defeats Mike Knox
Nigel McGuiness defeats Paul London
Brock Lesnar defeats Baron Von Raschke
Gunner defeats Nikolai Volkoff

Come on back for brackets XVII, XVIII, XIX and XX!


  1. Watching this to see if you're right!

    1. Bundy did...okay in that match, but what I was talking about was the buildup to Wrestlemania 2 in 1986.

    2. God I feel like such a nerd. I just "well actually"-ied somebody about Bundy's run at the title. THAT'S nerd shit, son.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog


This has certainly been a heck of a thing.

Writing this started out as a labor of love to a subgenre of rock and roll that came along at the perfect time for me (both when I was entering middle school in the bottom 5 of the popularity pecking order and when I started buying albums at the impressionable age of 11).  It obviously took a long time to put together: August 29th, 2016 is when I began planning, May 24th is when I wrote the last entry, the wee hours of August 1st, 2017 is when I finished proofreading and uploading the entries to the blog with video links, and here I am typing these words on August 15th.

The elephant in the room is this genre seems to be built on death.  Three of the four frontmen of these bands are dead, one of which occurred during the run of this series.  (Shouts to Alice In Chains bassist Mike Starr as well.  R.I.P.)  On top of that, Pearl Jam only exists because the lead singer of Mother Love Bone died, causing that band to break up.  If you go down the nex…

R.I.P. Chris Cornell

The Grunge Match is suspended indefinitely.

I don't know when it will resume.  This hits way too close to home for way too many reasons.

As far as writing goes, I just did Match 112 Tuesday night.  I have no interest in going back through and making this a love letter to the departed, nor bashing him for tearing our hearts out.  I have no idea when I'll be able to even listen to Soundgarden again, and when I do, it won't be the fucking same so there's no way I can give any kind of objective rating.  Chris Cornell was the soul of that band, the thing that took sludge with a few acrobatic musical flourishes and made it into the hellfire slinging, metal rending monster that it needed to be.

So yeah.  This one hurts.  The man is dead.  The music remains, but is changed forever.  His friends, family and fans are suffering incalculable grief.  There's not much more to say, so silence seems like the best option.

THE TOP 20 SONGS OF 2017 (Updated)

Here it is: My favorite songs of 2017.  This podcast won't be up forever so listen while you can before I end up putting something else up on Soundcloud (with its 3 hour limit ass).  [BLOGGER'S NOTE: The Top Albums podcast was longer than I anticipated, so it's already down.  Sorry.  Instead, I've linked to the songs below.]  I hope you enjoy the fruits of my labor.  This year has been better than quite a few in recent memory, which took me by surprise.  Music is pretty sweet if you know where to look.

20. "Gucci" Qveen Herby
19. "Learn To Let Go" Kesha
18. "New York" St. Vincent
17. "Praying" Kesha
16. "Avalanche Alley" The New Pornographers
15. "Automaton" Robotaki
14. "Dreams" Beck
13. "Them Changes" Thundercat
12. "Woman" Kesha
11. "Rainbow" Kesha
10. "Automaton" Jamiroquai
9. "Constellations" Grant & Jessi Mason
8. "Wow Wow" Neil Cicierega
7. &qu…