Skip to main content

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: Bracket XVIII (Matches 137-144)



Batista VS Kevin Steen

The internet's gonna be mad at me for this one.  I love Kevin Steen; he's one of the only good things Ring Of Honor has left going for it, and his heel run was legendary.  He has size, strength, agility, and can cut one hell of a promo.  But the way I see it, he would come up just a little short against Batista.  They'd have a damn near 20-minute all around ringside brawl type of a match with lotsa near falls, but unless Dave blows a quad, The Animal is going over with a Batista bomb.




Rikishi VS Low-Ki (aka Kaval)

Again, love Low-Ki.  But he doesn't stand a chance against a superheavyweight like Rikishi.  Kish also has some agility; don't get it twisted.  Not as much as Low-Ki, but still.  Enough to grab hold of him and squash the man who weighs as much as one of Fatu's legs.




"Golden Boy" Arnold Skaaland VS "The Texas Tornado" Kerry Von Erich

Arnold Skaaland is a Hall Of Fame manager, but as a wrestler, Kerry Von Erich has a much more impressive resume.  This would be a fair five or six minute contest with Tornado coming out on top.




Dory Funk, Jr. VS Ron Simmons (aka Farooq)

Both men have held world title gold.  The difference is Funk racked up the second longest consecutive title reign in NWA history.  Ron Simmons may be the first black world champion (WCW, oddly enough, did something groundbreaking), but his title defenses were mostly rematches with Vader that ended in DQ (as far as I can remember).  Dory Funk would wrap Ron Simmons up in the Cloverleaf (which he invented) and make him say "DAMN!".  Then "Uncle!".




Larry Zbyszko VS Jack Swagger

Scarily enough, both of these men were World Champions once upon a time (Zbyszko (no relation to Stanislaus or Wladek) was the final AWA champion, in fact).  However, this match is an easy choice: Jack Swagger has always been missing...something.  Not just charisma, either.  Something's just...off about that dude.  Zbyszko feuded with Bruno Sammartino and Nick Bockwinkel and claims to have retired both (not true, but hey; kayfabe).  "The Living Legend" for the win in a scientific snooze-fest.




Kofi Kingston VS The Dark Patriot

Kofi Kingston may be perpetually midcard at this point, but his moves are still hella impressive, he has a history of gold, and The Dark Patriot was just Eddie Gilbert's brother under a hood, brought in to feud with The Patriot in the GWF almost two years after the Black Scorpion angle from WCW.  (At least they had magicians.)  Kofi brings trouble to The Dark Patriot's dome, son.




Johnny Devine VS Golddust

Johnny Devine is a name I contemplated dropping from the tournament since I barely remember him, but instead he's first round fodder for the bizarre one.  He'll play with this mouse for 4&1/2 minutes before bringing down the Curtain Call.




"Dr. Death" Steve Williams VS El Generico

Dude, El Generico has done some of the most impressive moves I've seen on this side of the millennium, but "Dr. Death" is a beast, son.  If Generico couldn't beat Kevin Steen at the height of S.C.U.M., then he won't be able to escape the grasp of Mr. Williams.  It's Oklahoma Stampede time after that, and out go the lights.


RECAP:

Batista defeats Kevin Steen
Rikishi defeats Low-Ki
"The Texas Tornado" Kerry Von Erich defeats "Golden Boy" Arnold Skaaland
Dory Funk Jr. defeats Ron Simmons
Larry Zbyszko defeats Jack Swagger
Kofi Kingston defeats The Dark Patriot
Goldust defeats Johnny Devine
"Dr. Death" Steve Williams defeats El Generico

Come on back tomorrow for bracket XIX!


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

THE BIG FOUR SONG CHALLENGE SERIES - Update Wrap-Up

Well, The Big Four Song Challenge Series Update has drawn to a close, and here we are in the aftermath.  Metallica edged out Megadeth on the strength of bonus material, Anthrax did okay and Slayer should have broken up when Jeff Hanneman died.  For real, all coming back with another album did for them was...well, make them money and allow them to keep touring and making more money, so there's that.  But more importantly, by releasing "Repentless", they dropped from two to three on my completely arbitrary opinion based blog series status ranking system!  Surely, that can't have been worth a couple million bucks?

Anyhow, I'm getting the feeling that rock music in general is going to need to evolve into something completely different or call it quits altogether.  Rock has had its 60 year run just like jazz did before it, and if it doesn't come up with something soon, it will fade away from the public consciousness, only to return in Gap commercials in the 2040…

THE BIG FOUR SONG CHALLENGE SERIES - Matchup 172

Anthrax "Impaled" (2016) VS Megadeth "Dystopia" (2016) VS Metallica "Atlas, Rise!" (2016) VS Slayer "Jihad" (Live from Sofia, Bulgaria) (2010)

Unfortunately, Anthrax drew the short straw here, as "Impaled" is a middling intro that, on top of being a bit of a non-song, goes on a hair too long for its own good.

"Dystopia" is a solid, upbeat fist-pumper that was a no-brainer to make the first single off the album of the same name.  It may seem a little milquetoast for the first half, but once the "single" part falls away, it reveals a banger in the back half that makes you remember why you like this stuff in the first place.  It'll take more than one listen to realize how cool this song is, but on play two or three you'll be nodding your head with a pleased scowl on your face.

My first impression of "Atlas, Rise!" was "This is the most average Metallica song ever."  Like if you took all the Met…

THE BIG FOUR SONG CHALLENGE SERIES - Matchup 178

Anthrax "Suzerain" (2016) VS Megadeth "Conquer Or Die!" (2016) VS Metallica "ManUNkind" (2016) VS Slayer "Cast The First Stone" (2015)

"Suzerain" is your pentennial reminder that Charlie Bennante don't fuck around.  Definitely the most fiery song on "For All Kings", and probably the closest to the old Anthrax as we're going to get ever again.  Bang your head in reflection.

"Conquer Or Die!" is more old school, though whether that works for or against it is up to you.  It's the three minute instrumental interlude.  This one is...fine.  Honestly, it's better than fine when compared to the song I have to review next, so I shan't complain too loudly.  But it is a song you wouldn't exactly miss if it fell off the face of the planet either.

"ManUNkind" was the point where I stopped giving "Hardwired...To Self-Destruct" the benefit of the doubt and started dreading the fact that I h…