Sniper (from The Truth Commission) VS Alberto Del Rio
Not a good sign when I have to put in a parenthetical aside just to remind myself where this guy was from. Del Rio in 2:57.
"The Outlaw" Ron Bass VS Mabel (aka Viscera, aka Big Daddy V)
Mabel was a guy that could have been so much more if he knew how to move in the ring without literally crushing his opponents. Over the course of one summer, he broke Undertaker's face (resulting in him having to wear a protective mask until his orbital bone healed) and, according to Kevin Nash, damn near paralyzing the WWF Champion Diesel. But, he was big and an impressive physical specimen. (Still is big, at any rate.) I never saw Ron Bass do...well, anything save for stab Brutus Beefcake with a fork, so fuck that guy. Mabel wins in 3:25.
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin VS Nunzio
At least it'll be an entertaining Stunner Bump...Austin in 2 minutes flat.
Johnny Valentine VS Bill Kazmaier
Bill Kazmair was one of the myriad of men in wrestling trying to lay claim to the title of "World's Strongest Man". And he had the credentials: A 661lb. bench press (for real), a legit three "World's Strongest Man" competition titles and some 50 cal's for arms. To this day his feats of strength are revered in the power lifting and strong man worlds. Alas, he sucked in the ring, and a vet like Johnny Valentine would pick him apart with submission holds and cowardly heel shit until the cows came home. J.V. in 5:05.
Killer Kahn VS Packman Jones
What the FUCK!?!?!? Given the only Killer Kahn match I've ever seen was a stretcher match with Andre that won "Worst Worked Match" in 1981, it's still hard not to give him the duke considering his opponent specifically had it in his contract that he couldn't give or receive contact because that would violate his Tennessee Titan's deal (and yet somehow still won the TNA Tag Team Championships in 2007). WrestleCrappers, if you're reading, you know this would be right up your alley. Gotta give it to Kahn, though, because he seems like the type a dude that just straight up wouldn't give a fuck about a contract.
Kenny Kaos VS Bad News Brown
Bad News for Mr. Kaos. Allen Coage, aka Bad News Brown, won the bronze medal in the 1976 Olympics for Judo, then went on to win the Stampede Wrestling North American title four times, competing with the likes of Bret Hart and Dynamite Kid along the way. He even challenged Andre The Giant to a fight in 1981 after Andre made a racist remark, and the giant backed down. Kenny was capable, but would be no match for dude. It's ghetto blaster time, foo!
Ron Harris VS Erick Rowan
A battle of the big men. Harris and Rowan are both in tag teams where both members are around seven feet. This one would be a real test, as Harris has the experience, but Rowan has the potential. Based on what I've seen of the two, Rowan has a slightly less vanilla in-ring style, so I'll give the edge to him.
Bobby Lashley VS Snitsky
ECW 2007, sucka! Lashley in a very Goldberg-like 1:27.
To sum up:
Alberto Del Rio defeats Sniper
Mabel defeats "The Outlaw" Ron Bass
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin defeats Nunzio
Johnny Valentine defeats Bill Kazmaier
Killer Kahn defeats Pacman Jones
Bad News Brown defeats Kenny Kaos
Erick Rowan defeats Ron Harris
Bobby Lashley defeats Skitsky
That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.