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"American Dragon" Bryan Danielson (aka Daniel Bryan) VS S.D. Jones

Ironically, both of these guys have lost Wrestlemania matches in less than 20 seconds, but Bryan's was for the World Heavyweight Title, and Jones' was the most famous moment of his entire career.  Bryan in a slightly more respectable three minutes.


Killer Kowalski VS Abraham Lincoln (Yes, the guy who was president.  For real.)

Why is Abraham Lincoln in this tournament, you ask?  Because someone in WCW and/or the NWA decided to try and link the lineage of the NWA Championship (which WCW was once a part of) to the Illinois State Wrestling Championship, which was won by Mr. Lincoln in 1844.  The claim later turned out to be bogus, but one or both wrestling companies during the hottest period of the Monday Night Wars tried to by God claim our nation's sixteenth president as a former member of their roster.

Okay, all that being said, how the hell would you book this?  Kowalski's a legend, but...shit, it's Abraham Lincoln!  In America, the guy is spoken about in reverent tones usually saved for Jesus.  Alas though, when you get down to the nitty gritty, Killer Kowalski was a wrestler much longer than Abe ever was, so there's the experience edge, AND he was 6'7" while Abe was only 6'4", giving Kowalski a height and presumably a reach advantage.  All signs point to Killer, who got his name for accidentally knocking an opponent's cauliflower ear off during a match.  Unlike the Cherry Tree, that's no lie.  (Dude.  Wrong President.)  (Shut up, nerd!)


The Blue Meanie VS Eddie Guerrero

Um...Eddie Guerrero, son.  In like, a minute and a half.


Samu (from The Headshrinkers, also Afa's family tree) VS Wes Brisco (from Gerald Brisco's family tree)

A battle of two second-generation stars who were born a generation apart.  Samu made his most famous moves in the early 90's as one half of The Headshrinkers and Was Brisco is a new talent in TNA most famous for being a now former member of Aces & 8's.  Given that (and given that Samu has about 100 pounds on the kid and could probably still out-maneuver him back in the day), I give this one to Samu, but not without a little fighting back from Young Master Brisco.  6:13, I'd say.


Dolph Ziggler VS Jamie Noble

Believe it or not, both of these guys are amazing talents.  Dolph gets to literally "Show Off" his skills on the WWE, though they are largely (and inexplicably) ignored, and Jamie Noble once got to do the same after leaving the E in 2005 and joining Ring Of Honor.  I honestly had no idea the only famous person from West Virginia I can think of could wrestle on a level that would put him in main event matches if he'd had a fresh start later in the decade.  Still, Ziggler's a bit more well-rounded, and though it would prove to be one hell of a match, Dolph takes this one at 16:25.


Alex Riley VS Zack Ryder

If Saturday Morning Slam or Superstars were still a thing (quick check tells me Superstars is still on Hulu Plus every week), this match could easily main event it.  Both of these guys, in spite of their talents and in the case of Ryder in spite of being hella over, are relegated to status lower than 3MB right now.  (Say what you want, at least those guys get on TV every week.)  Zack Ryder would win this, but not before the two of them put on a show that should be witnessed, but will never be seen by anyone who wasn't in the arena.


Duke "The Dumpster" Drose VS Antonio Inoki

Oh come on.  A mid-90's WWF character VS the Hulk Hogan of Japan.  (Think about how backward that statement is, given Inoki's been around longer, but then think about how legit it makes Inoki sound at the same time.  Hurts your brain, doesn't it?)  Dude, this guy fought Mohammed Ali to a draw.  He was trained by Karl Gotch.   He beat Bob Backlund during his supposedly continuous six year title reign in 1979, but due to outside interference by jealous heels, decided to refuse the title.  So yeah...not likin' "The Dumpster"'s chances here...


Crash Holly VS "Mean" Mike Enos (aka Beau Beverly)

One of the last times I saw "Mean" Mike Enos in a ring was when Scott Hall came out of the crowd on Nitro and made his debut.  Other than his run as a Beverly Brother and maybe as an AWA tag champ, dude is largely a footnote in wrestling history.  He still has his place, and a bigger one than I'll certainly ever have, but what I'm trying to say is Crash Holly was (despite his 5'7" frame) a bigger star.  He won the Hardcore Championship 22 Times (which somehow isn't the record), invented the "24/7 Rule" by which the Hardcore Champion must defend the title all day every day, which led to some really awesome shit like Crash having to fight three or four guys in a ball pit at a Chuck-E-Cheese and the aforementioned Gerald Brisco title reign, where he snuck up on Crash while he was sleeping and had a referee count three to win the title.  I'd say the "Super Heavyweight" (he and "Cousin" Hardcore Holly would claim to be over 400lbs. each, and lug around rigged scales to prove it) wins this one.  (P.S.: I didn't intend any disrespect to Mike Enos; it just came out that way.  He had a decent run and is still remembered.  I have not achieved that status in my chosen fields of writing or music yet, so one up on me, Mike.)


"American Dragon" Bryan Danielson defeats S.D. Jones
Killer Kowalski defeats Abraham Lincoln
Eddie Guerrero defeats The Blue Meanie
Samu defeats Wes Brisco
Dolph Ziggler defeats Jamie Noble
Zack Ryder defeats Alex Riley
Antonio Inoki defeats Duke "The Dumpster" Drose
Crash Holly defeats "Mean" Mike Enos


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