WHAT THE HELL IS A BLOG? - iTunes Music Reviews, April 2018

Being that it's been more than a year since I've attempted one of these and iTunes is gonna stop selling mp3's next year, this is probably my next to last chance to do this sort of thing.  I started doing hot take reviews of albums based off nothing but 30 second iTunes previews in 2007, and if I'd been smart, I'd've transitioned to YouTube with them in about 2009.  I didn't, so here we are.  If reading a slightly older gentleman trying to temper his apathy and vexation at modern pop music and give it a fair shake (or trying to be funny when shitting on things that he can't resist shitting on) is your jam, step up to the dance floor!

Scoring system goes from 0 stars (sometimes negative if it goes the extra mile of horrible) to five stars (which has happened three times in 11 years of doing this, and I'd take every one of them back because that's the thing with hot takes).  Here we go!


Cardi B "Invasion Of Privacy" ❂ & 1/2
(or , depending on your mood)

I respect that she started the album with energy, because one of the things that's prevented me and trap from getting along is lack of fire, even when it's trying to turn up.  "Get Up 10", though I'm not super into it, at least has a pulse and was a great choice to open things up.  "Drip" grinds things to a halt with a shit chorus that could be on any song in the last three years, but then Cardi's verse goes in and I'm back on board.

That's kind of how this album goes: Cardi B elevates below average trap dreck with her force of personality and enough good lines sprinkled in between pop rap clichés.  The beats are distinct enough to tell them apart, but they feel exactly the same after track five.  The hooks get horrendous in the back half and drag this project down from almost a *** to a * & a half.

[Note: The previews did not give me an accurate picture of the lyrics on this album, which did it a great disservice.  After listening to the Goin' Off Podcast, I realize I missed something on that score.  The songs still aren't for me, so maybe all in all it's a two after all.]


Breaking Benjamin "Ember"

How do they keep making the same songs for fifteen years with a straight face?


John Prine "The Tree Of Forgiveness" 

Sounds like a friendly old man covering Johnny Cash's last few albums.  I know John Prine is a big deal in some circles but this is the first time I've heard a note, and I'm getting the feeling this isn't the place to start.


isaac gracie [1/2 of a ❂]

The first two songs are boilerplate sleepy indie rock, but then "the death of you & i" comes in like a fireball and I'm wondering if it's the same artist for a second.  It's really a shocking twist that a) the song has an interesting build with a 50's desert rock sheen to it that b) explodes into a jagged chorus that brings this sucker to life.  "running on empty" isn't as good, but it continues with the energy (ironically enough, given the title).  But then everything goes back to sleep.  "telescope" is The Lumineers without the things that made them catchy, "that was then" is whiny, and the back half of the album plays the game of how much further into our shell can we crawl.  For a brief moment, this thing got engaging, but it really just wants to mope under the covers all day cuz it's raining.


Jason Aldean "Rearview Town"
[A special one time rating of: Dude, whatever.]

"Dirt To Dust" is a nu-metal song being covered by a country band with a producer trying to get it on the pop station in 2011.  "Set It Off" uses the word "lit" for fuck sake.  "Girl Like You" is another country-fied nu-metal song with early 2000's R&B lyrics.  Fucking TRAP BEATS on "Ride All Night".  This is one of the cringiest attempts to be relevant you can imagine, and it's aimed at being ahead of the curve ten years ago.  Even then it would be baaaad.

There is no lyrical substance whatsoever save for the title track, which muses about the sorry state of his old hometown.  That's kinda disappointing from the guy who was on stage in Vegas when the biggest mass shooting in American history jumped the fuck off.  I know most country musicians don't write their own music, but come on.  Really?  Nothing to say about living through such a singular experience?  I mean, you don't have to even say the words "gun control", but not even a song about peace?  Not even a ham-fisted nod to how 'Murica can rise up and persevere through such tragedy?  Not even a good guy with a gun vs a bad guy with a gun scenario?  Not even from a cowboy?  NOTHING?  In fifteen tracks, you don't have room to express your thoughts on something that striking and important?  Something you were in the middle of?  You need an eighth song in a row to talk about gettin' "turn't up" (which we don't fucking believe you know the meaning of) so you don't have room?  Then what is the point?  Why have lyrics at all if they have less than no meaning?

This album is gonna be more forgotten than the Vegas shooting itself is already, so like the rating says: Dude, whatever.


Princess Nokia "A Girl Cried Red" 

I think the thing that caught my ear about this one is the imperfection.  Her voice is grating and unprofessional while trying to be in the modern pop rap lane (see: the autotune on "For The Night" and the styrofoam cup she has on the cover).  Perfection is the baseline nowadays because everything is done on computers.  Even if it doesn't sound good, her delivery humanizes the music, which gets my attention.

Then, out of nowhere, track four is a bombastic garage indie rock song.  It's haunting, it's got life to it, it's got nice note choices and it works so much better because it's in the middle of an album of syrup-drenched trap music.  The subversion of expectation elevates "Look Up Kid" to so much more than the sum of its parts.  Then a minute long track called "Interlude" which also has guitar, then back into generic trap with fingernails on a chalkboard would-be cutesie indie vocals and lyrics that are super not my shit.  A weird, remarkable thing.


Sofi Tucker "Treehouse" 

If sleepy tropical house music is your jam, this should be right up your alley.  It bored me to tears because it's EDM pop from 2011 without any of the energy, but hey.  If that sounds like a good time, go nuts.

Actually, on second thought, "Batshit" is pretty fun.  Gotta give it a point for that.  And then "Good Time Girl" has this sarcastic attitude to it that made me sit up and take notice.  Another thing about that one is it's totally a Verve remix of a Brazilian jazz song circa 2004.  I get where that's coming from.  Other than that, "Best Friend" is the only other notable tune, but it's got a pretty good chorus so eh.  This is mostly forgettable, but I guess it has it's brief moments.


Josh Rouse "Love In The Modern Age" 

Combining 2010's Indie Folk with 80's muzak with about half the soul of either and a vocalist doing his best Paul Simon impression.  Honestly one of the more tolerable things I've reviewed, and I still didn't like it much.  The title track tickled my fancy a bit, though.


Carnage "Battered Bruised & Bloody"

If Tom DeLonge from Blink 182 made an autotune-drenched trap album, this is what it would sound like.  At least it's a new kind of insufferable...

Actually, I'm not sure if that's the guest rapper Killy or Carnage themself, because in every other sample the only voice you hear is the guest.  I have no idea if Carnage is even a vocalist or a producer.  Then there's a doubletime dubstep song smack dab in the middle and now NOTHING makes sense anymore.  And there's a Migos feature because of course there is; they're contractually obligated to be on everything.


King Tuff "The Other"  & 1/2

This is some 70's shit, complete with distortion on it to make it sound like you're listening through a dirty stylus.  I've actually heard the song "Psycho Star" on the radio once; it's a'ight.  "Raindrop Blue" is better in my opinion.  "Infinite Mile" isn't terrible either; it's got a groove.  "Birds Of Paradise" drives hard and takes off into a chorus with E.L.O. strings to hold it aloft.  Aside from the beginning and ending, this album's okay.


Ledger - EP

What happens when you combine American Idol pop with electronics and radio hard rock?  Something pretty flavorless that has the whiff of wasted potential.  With better songwriting, this might've been interesting.  (Also, Kero Kero Bonito called; she wants her hair dye back.)


ruiner "nothing,nowhere. >" [Negative one star]

EMO TRAP?!?!?  Not like xxxtentacion with him being whiny and calling it emo, but honest to God 2000's pop punk vocals over 808's?!?  Fuck me.


Metallica "The $5.98 EP - Garage Days Re-Revisited" 

Okay, this is fucking cheating.  It's in the new releases section of iTunes because this is the remastered version, but come on.  This came out in 1987.  Also, it's my favorite Metallica release of all time.  The covers EP.  Go figure.

I remember in 8th grade after I got this and we had to change our computer lab passwords once a month, I always changed it to a new line of lyrics from "The Small Hours" like "I am the chill that's in the air" or some shit.  Highly impractical, but I was 14 and a huge metal nerd.  (See also: The Big Four Song Challenge Series, The Grunge Match, my band, etc.)  In 1996, this was out of print, so when I found a copy for $25, I pestered my parents to front me the money to buy it.  (That was like two and a half times mowing the lawn for free to make up for it!)

I don't feel like I should review this, because it goes against the spirit of the review process I've cultivated in this series and it outs me as the old as fuck white male with anger issues that could still possibly condescend to listen to Metallica, but fuck it.  I'm writing a blog.  If you're reading a blog in 2018, either Blogs are in again and I don't know about it or you're out of touch too.  Let's just fucking jam some 'tallica together, eh?  No?  All right, I don't blame you.  I'd be sick of 'em too by now if I was you.


Zayn "Let Me"

Because "Just The Tip" was too obvious.

All right, that about does it.  Join me next time for...maybe there won't be a next time, maybe there will.  A lot of music is coming out now (understatement of understatements) and who knows what the hell could happen between now and next March.  Hope this finds you well.  Peace.

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