Skip to main content



MVP (Montel Vontavious Porter) VS Shawn Michaels

Hoo boy, would this be a classic!  MVP is proving even in 2014 that he can still go, and I'm sure Michaels would at least avoid making a fool of himself if he decided to step back in the ring, but that's a moot point.  We're talking about both guys in their prime.  For my money, Michaels's prime was after the back injury.  The guy just came back so free, so ready to do anything that it turns out he could do everything.  And yo, MVP is a helluva competitor, but there's no way he's beating Shawn Michaels in his prime.  (That underline was an accident, but since it was the third time I'd italicized something in the match, what the hell?)


Tony Mamaluke VS Fandango

Fandango sashes his way to Round 2.


Sylvan Grenier VS Yoshi Tatsu

Yoshi Tatsu is hella underrated.  He gets the victory over a guy who's move was called "The French Tickler" and had a giant poodle accompany him to ringside.


Curtis Axel VS Heath Slater

The way they're booking 3MB these days, Curtis Axel could probably beat all three of them at once.

Happy Humphrey VS Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli

Johnny The Bull was an all right guy in WCW.  But dude, no way in hell he's beating a guy who was almost 800lbs. (that's not an exaggeration; Happy Humphrey was the heaviest wrestler in history, once tipping the scales at 900lbs.).


Billy Gunn VS Shelton Benjamin

Shelton Benjamin should have been World Champion.  I don't know what the hell happened.  But dammit, he's going deep on these ho's.  Billy ain't no pushover, but Shelton gotsta get to the finals.  Ain't no stoppin' him NAAAAW!

Les Thornton VS Damien Demento

Damien Demento's only accolade is main eventing the first episode of Monday Night Raw against The Undertaker.  Les Thornton was one of the best juniorweights of the 70's.  Thornton in five.


D'Lo Brown VS Hillbilly Jim

You can't plant hayseed in a chest protector.  D'Lo busts out the loaded frog splash for the win.  (And the head bobble.)


Shawn Michaels defeats MVP
Fandango defeats Tony Mamaluke
Yoshi Tatsu defeats Sylvan Grenier
Curtis Axel defeats Heath Slater
Happy Humphrey defeats Johnny The Bull
Shelton Benjamin defeats Billy Gunn
Les Thornton defeats Damien Demento
D'Lo Brown defeats Hillbilly Jim

Come on back Monday for the conclusion of the First Round!!!


Popular posts from this blog


Well, The Big Four Song Challenge Series Update has drawn to a close, and here we are in the aftermath.  Metallica edged out Megadeth on the strength of bonus material, Anthrax did okay and Slayer should have broken up when Jeff Hanneman died.  For real, all coming back with another album did for them was...well, make them money and allow them to keep touring and making more money, so there's that.  But more importantly, by releasing "Repentless", they dropped from two to three on my completely arbitrary opinion based blog series status ranking system!  Surely, that can't have been worth a couple million bucks?

Anyhow, I'm getting the feeling that rock music in general is going to need to evolve into something completely different or call it quits altogether.  Rock has had its 60 year run just like jazz did before it, and if it doesn't come up with something soon, it will fade away from the public consciousness, only to return in Gap commercials in the 2040…


Anthrax "Impaled" (2016) VS Megadeth "Dystopia" (2016) VS Metallica "Atlas, Rise!" (2016) VS Slayer "Jihad" (Live from Sofia, Bulgaria) (2010)

Unfortunately, Anthrax drew the short straw here, as "Impaled" is a middling intro that, on top of being a bit of a non-song, goes on a hair too long for its own good.

"Dystopia" is a solid, upbeat fist-pumper that was a no-brainer to make the first single off the album of the same name.  It may seem a little milquetoast for the first half, but once the "single" part falls away, it reveals a banger in the back half that makes you remember why you like this stuff in the first place.  It'll take more than one listen to realize how cool this song is, but on play two or three you'll be nodding your head with a pleased scowl on your face.

My first impression of "Atlas, Rise!" was "This is the most average Metallica song ever."  Like if you took all the Met…


Anthrax "Suzerain" (2016) VS Megadeth "Conquer Or Die!" (2016) VS Metallica "ManUNkind" (2016) VS Slayer "Cast The First Stone" (2015)

"Suzerain" is your pentennial reminder that Charlie Bennante don't fuck around.  Definitely the most fiery song on "For All Kings", and probably the closest to the old Anthrax as we're going to get ever again.  Bang your head in reflection.

"Conquer Or Die!" is more old school, though whether that works for or against it is up to you.  It's the three minute instrumental interlude.  This one is...fine.  Honestly, it's better than fine when compared to the song I have to review next, so I shan't complain too loudly.  But it is a song you wouldn't exactly miss if it fell off the face of the planet either.

"ManUNkind" was the point where I stopped giving "Hardwired...To Self-Destruct" the benefit of the doubt and started dreading the fact that I h…