MUSIC REVIEWS, July 2, 2024
Get ready for some “Da fuq?”-ery, because yeah, that’s what I was inspired to write about this time out (good and bad; mostly bad). Open up the gates and roll on ‘em:
Jax “Dear Joe,”
I’ll give her this: I believe 100% that this is her creative vision. It feels genuine that for Jax Cringe with a capital C is the equivalent of oxygen. I’m not even being judgmental when I say that: when you hear this, you can tell that is the full-throated intent of every. Single. Note.
Is her heart in the right place? Yes. Is she trying too hard? Bruh. That’s her BRAND. If you go in with that in mind, you might find a handful of moments on this album endearing, but there’s TWENTY TRACKS OF THIS. It’s a marvel Jax was able to pack an hour and a half of pain into forty-eight minutes.
Imagine Dragons “Loom”
Speaking of Cringe with a Capital C, AMIRITE!!??!?? HAhahahahah….
Heh.
…So anyway I like the first three tracks quite a bit?
“Wake Up”, “Nice To Meet You” and “Eyes Closed” had me feeling like this might be a pretty decent pop album (for what it is, y’know?), but then “Take Me To The Beach”’s hook is dirt tier trash, and even though “In Your Corner” sort of stabilizes things, the album never really recovers. There’s cod reggae, there’s Imagine Dragons up to their same old tricks, there’s some song trying to be “Feel Good Inc.” which only manages “Feel Bleh Inc.” and the rest of Loom just doesn’t live up to the promise of its start. But for the first time, I was wishing an Imagine Dragons album did.
Sheryl Crow “Evolution”
Evolution is such a bad name, because this is the album that comes the closest to Sheryl Crow’s mainstream body of work since 2008. A lot of this was what I’d been missing from 100 Miles From Memphis, Feels Like Home, the duets album I never heard and the 2021 one I don’t feel like looking up the name of (which was close-ish to this one). And honestly, Evolution was about to stick the landing, but the last three songs are soooo la-dee-dah, so milquetoast and bland that I can only really give it a sliver under a 7 out of 10. (But the first seven tracks are definitely worth it if you’re into Sheryl Crow. Especially the cover of “Digging In The Dirt” with Peter Gabriel.)
Oh, waitaminute! What if we took the first three Imagine Dragons songs and subbed them in as the last three songs on Evolution! Seven plus three is ten! This can’t fail!
Jax “Dear Joe,”
I’ll give her this: I believe 100% that this is her creative vision. It feels genuine that for Jax Cringe with a capital C is the equivalent of oxygen. I’m not even being judgmental when I say that: when you hear this, you can tell that is the full-throated intent of every. Single. Note.
Is her heart in the right place? Yes. Is she trying too hard? Bruh. That’s her BRAND. If you go in with that in mind, you might find a handful of moments on this album endearing, but there’s TWENTY TRACKS OF THIS. It’s a marvel Jax was able to pack an hour and a half of pain into forty-eight minutes.
Imagine Dragons “Loom”
Speaking of Cringe with a Capital C, AMIRITE!!??!?? HAhahahahah….
Heh.
…So anyway I like the first three tracks quite a bit?
“Wake Up”, “Nice To Meet You” and “Eyes Closed” had me feeling like this might be a pretty decent pop album (for what it is, y’know?), but then “Take Me To The Beach”’s hook is dirt tier trash, and even though “In Your Corner” sort of stabilizes things, the album never really recovers. There’s cod reggae, there’s Imagine Dragons up to their same old tricks, there’s some song trying to be “Feel Good Inc.” which only manages “Feel Bleh Inc.” and the rest of Loom just doesn’t live up to the promise of its start. But for the first time, I was wishing an Imagine Dragons album did.
Sheryl Crow “Evolution”
Evolution is such a bad name, because this is the album that comes the closest to Sheryl Crow’s mainstream body of work since 2008. A lot of this was what I’d been missing from 100 Miles From Memphis, Feels Like Home, the duets album I never heard and the 2021 one I don’t feel like looking up the name of (which was close-ish to this one). And honestly, Evolution was about to stick the landing, but the last three songs are soooo la-dee-dah, so milquetoast and bland that I can only really give it a sliver under a 7 out of 10. (But the first seven tracks are definitely worth it if you’re into Sheryl Crow. Especially the cover of “Digging In The Dirt” with Peter Gabriel.)
Oh, waitaminute! What if we took the first three Imagine Dragons songs and subbed them in as the last three songs on Evolution! Seven plus three is ten! This can’t fail!
…Let us never speak of this again.
James Blake & Lil Yachty “Bad Cameo”
I’ve never liked James Blake, but this is pretty good. These two compliment each other’s atmosphere. A blissed out, melancholic, psych-tronic time.
Camilla Cabello “C, XOXO”
“I LUV IT” is one of the worst songs of the year. It assaults you with an incessant hook, it has a shit verse from Playboi Carti, and is generally obnoxious. But before we go any further, here’s a horrid proposal: What if “I LUV IT” is somehow the best song on the album?
“Channel No. 5” begins with a Carti-esque delivery and autotune to match. The piano sounds…deformed; lofi doesn’t even cut it for a description. It’s like trying to combine rage music and hyperpop, but then the song smooths out for the hook, and nothing fits together. She’s trying to do sultry hyperpop rage music without any attitude. It all clashes. It’s like she chugged Channel No. 5 and we’re all paying the price.
Track three, “pink xoxo”, an interlude that has PinkPantheress on it, pulls us out of the tail spin; this is listenable, even if it’s only a minute. “He Knows” (feat. Lil Nas X) is a decent enough club song at first, but then…Okay, lemme take a second to break down how disappointed I’ve been in Lil Nas X all year, because this is frustrating.
Up until 2024, I liked every single Lil Nas X song I ever heard, loved most of them. Then “J Christ” was…okay. At first, I didn’t like it at all, but I accidentally clicked pause at the very last second and the song started replaying, so after second listen I was sort of feeling it. It’s fine. The second single “Where Do We Go Now?” I never finished listening to. That suuucked. The Beverly Hills Cop song is passable, but I don’t see myself coming back to it, but now we’re here and this is the dirt worst thing he’s ever done. “He Knows” actually gets ruined by X’s verse. I’ve never liked Camilla Cabello, but she was making the first half of the song reasonable at least. If you drag it down from Camilla Cabello, you’re DOING IT REALLY WRONG.
“Twentysomethings” is Cabello trying to sound ten to fifteen years younger than she is. It’s a sixteen year old’s idea of being a “Twentysomething”. Also it’s trying to be Ariana Grande with a triplet flow, but coming off closer to Melanie Martinez, which…gross.
City Girls at least elevate “Dade County Dreaming” to a head bobber, but Camilla does not match the energy; she’s cooing and trying to do this minor key bridge; it just doesn’t mesh. This is followed by an interlude where a guy is talking about how Cabello’s music got him through his friend dying and some tough times, and even though he’s just talking there’s autotune on his voice? What.
Then Drake happens. Twice. Dancehall Drake at that. And he’s drowning in the patois. “Hot Uptown” is a ten times worse version of “Too Good”, because, for one, Camilla ain’t Rihanna, but post-beef (hell, post “For All The Dogs” if I’m being honest) I can’t buy a damn word Drake says, especially when he’s trying to be a smooth playboy.
So oh goody-gumdrops, the next track is a Drake SOLO track on someone else’s fucking album. I’m not joking: in a post “Not Like Us” world, Camilla, her team and her label were out of touch enough to give this dude his own whole-ass song. And he not only goes “Woe Is Me” R&B Drake on it, but he gets some basic biology wrong? Like he talks about blood flowing from his liver straight into his bones and having three hands like he lost fucking count? It’s weird, but I suppose if you’ve got a bleeding liver pumping blood into your bones, you might think this makes sense.
I swear, I did not expect to tear into a 33-minute album with this much detail or vitriol, but WOW it’s got me on one. Calis-fukin’-thenics.
“Dream-Girls” is reggaeton but vapid. I already don’t much care for reggaeton, so I don’t need to hear what she cruised the mall to back in ’08 (as the lyrics say). Then there’s some interlude dreamily musing about Malibu Barbie (which…get your coasts right? Isn’t the rest of this repping Miami?).
“B.O.A.T.” is shrill and hard to listen to, just her voice hanging out there on some minimalist synth stuff (which admittedly gets nice at the end when she stops singing), but really puts her biggest flaw (her singing voice) on naked full display (as naked as something caked in autotune can be). That being said, she’s been A LOT more annoying before, so this poor display not being near her worst says…something, doesn’t it.
“Pretty When I Cry” is actually a decent song. This is the best thing on the album; it’s kinda good. I give credit where it’s due; that hook is nice.
The album closes with “June Gloom” which is Camilla doing a quality Miley Cyrus impression, but then she goes up two octaves and does a high whisper for the hook and I don’t wanna no more. It’s an ass song, but on an album full of ass, it’s in the top third of the pile.
C, XOXO is a shockingly terrible grouping of tunes. I think she’s trying to do something a lot more artsy with her music, but the people she got for the job could not guide her to anything interesting, cohesive, new, or even tolerable. “I LUV IT” is still one of the worst songs of the year, but it’s one of the best songs on the album. I could have probably stopped there and saved us all the trouble, but it’s still a fascinating failure. I don’t regret listening to C, XOXO, I don’t feel I had my time wasted, so maybe it was interesting after all, just for all the wrong reasons.
And that’ll do it for this time. Keep your eyes peeled, because you never know when one of the 100 albums I’ve heard so far this year might get me to write something about it. (Seriously; I don’t think I could do this if I had a schedule.) Stay safe out there and enjoy the summer as best you can.
You never know…
James Blake & Lil Yachty “Bad Cameo”
I’ve never liked James Blake, but this is pretty good. These two compliment each other’s atmosphere. A blissed out, melancholic, psych-tronic time.
Camilla Cabello “C, XOXO”
“I LUV IT” is one of the worst songs of the year. It assaults you with an incessant hook, it has a shit verse from Playboi Carti, and is generally obnoxious. But before we go any further, here’s a horrid proposal: What if “I LUV IT” is somehow the best song on the album?
“Channel No. 5” begins with a Carti-esque delivery and autotune to match. The piano sounds…deformed; lofi doesn’t even cut it for a description. It’s like trying to combine rage music and hyperpop, but then the song smooths out for the hook, and nothing fits together. She’s trying to do sultry hyperpop rage music without any attitude. It all clashes. It’s like she chugged Channel No. 5 and we’re all paying the price.
Track three, “pink xoxo”, an interlude that has PinkPantheress on it, pulls us out of the tail spin; this is listenable, even if it’s only a minute. “He Knows” (feat. Lil Nas X) is a decent enough club song at first, but then…Okay, lemme take a second to break down how disappointed I’ve been in Lil Nas X all year, because this is frustrating.
Up until 2024, I liked every single Lil Nas X song I ever heard, loved most of them. Then “J Christ” was…okay. At first, I didn’t like it at all, but I accidentally clicked pause at the very last second and the song started replaying, so after second listen I was sort of feeling it. It’s fine. The second single “Where Do We Go Now?” I never finished listening to. That suuucked. The Beverly Hills Cop song is passable, but I don’t see myself coming back to it, but now we’re here and this is the dirt worst thing he’s ever done. “He Knows” actually gets ruined by X’s verse. I’ve never liked Camilla Cabello, but she was making the first half of the song reasonable at least. If you drag it down from Camilla Cabello, you’re DOING IT REALLY WRONG.
“Twentysomethings” is Cabello trying to sound ten to fifteen years younger than she is. It’s a sixteen year old’s idea of being a “Twentysomething”. Also it’s trying to be Ariana Grande with a triplet flow, but coming off closer to Melanie Martinez, which…gross.
City Girls at least elevate “Dade County Dreaming” to a head bobber, but Camilla does not match the energy; she’s cooing and trying to do this minor key bridge; it just doesn’t mesh. This is followed by an interlude where a guy is talking about how Cabello’s music got him through his friend dying and some tough times, and even though he’s just talking there’s autotune on his voice? What.
Then Drake happens. Twice. Dancehall Drake at that. And he’s drowning in the patois. “Hot Uptown” is a ten times worse version of “Too Good”, because, for one, Camilla ain’t Rihanna, but post-beef (hell, post “For All The Dogs” if I’m being honest) I can’t buy a damn word Drake says, especially when he’s trying to be a smooth playboy.
So oh goody-gumdrops, the next track is a Drake SOLO track on someone else’s fucking album. I’m not joking: in a post “Not Like Us” world, Camilla, her team and her label were out of touch enough to give this dude his own whole-ass song. And he not only goes “Woe Is Me” R&B Drake on it, but he gets some basic biology wrong? Like he talks about blood flowing from his liver straight into his bones and having three hands like he lost fucking count? It’s weird, but I suppose if you’ve got a bleeding liver pumping blood into your bones, you might think this makes sense.
I swear, I did not expect to tear into a 33-minute album with this much detail or vitriol, but WOW it’s got me on one. Calis-fukin’-thenics.
“Dream-Girls” is reggaeton but vapid. I already don’t much care for reggaeton, so I don’t need to hear what she cruised the mall to back in ’08 (as the lyrics say). Then there’s some interlude dreamily musing about Malibu Barbie (which…get your coasts right? Isn’t the rest of this repping Miami?).
“B.O.A.T.” is shrill and hard to listen to, just her voice hanging out there on some minimalist synth stuff (which admittedly gets nice at the end when she stops singing), but really puts her biggest flaw (her singing voice) on naked full display (as naked as something caked in autotune can be). That being said, she’s been A LOT more annoying before, so this poor display not being near her worst says…something, doesn’t it.
“Pretty When I Cry” is actually a decent song. This is the best thing on the album; it’s kinda good. I give credit where it’s due; that hook is nice.
The album closes with “June Gloom” which is Camilla doing a quality Miley Cyrus impression, but then she goes up two octaves and does a high whisper for the hook and I don’t wanna no more. It’s an ass song, but on an album full of ass, it’s in the top third of the pile.
C, XOXO is a shockingly terrible grouping of tunes. I think she’s trying to do something a lot more artsy with her music, but the people she got for the job could not guide her to anything interesting, cohesive, new, or even tolerable. “I LUV IT” is still one of the worst songs of the year, but it’s one of the best songs on the album. I could have probably stopped there and saved us all the trouble, but it’s still a fascinating failure. I don’t regret listening to C, XOXO, I don’t feel I had my time wasted, so maybe it was interesting after all, just for all the wrong reasons.
And that’ll do it for this time. Keep your eyes peeled, because you never know when one of the 100 albums I’ve heard so far this year might get me to write something about it. (Seriously; I don’t think I could do this if I had a schedule.) Stay safe out there and enjoy the summer as best you can.
You never know…
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