FIND AN ALBUM YOU LIKE FROM 2024 – CHALLENGE LEVEL: IMPOSSIBLE

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a ton of songs I’ve liked from this year (just for reference, here’s forty-three I put in a playlist).  But albums are 0/16 going into this first review.  Can Beyonce do the impossible?  

Beyonce “Cowboy Carter”

The most frustrating thing for me about Beyonce has been I want to get it.  I want to connect with her music the way her fans do.  I want to hear the awesome masterpiece everybody thinks it is, or failing that, to at least understand why other people think that.  But that moment has never happened.  So I came into this with my hackles up and it took at least three songs to get them fully down.

But before I go any further, I could say the same thing about Country.  It’s an interesting parallel.  I despised country for most of my life.  And going back to the 90’s shit…yeah, no.  Still not my thing.  But I’ve been finding ways to appreciate Country over the last…eh, two years or so; interesting things have been done with the genre.

Which brings us to this intersection.  Beyonce made a Country album.  (You may have heard).  And I’m here to review it, because, well, what else’m I gonna do?  

Okay, fine.  I’m 1/17 now.

Finally, finally I don’t have to interrogate my own feelings on a Beyonce album because they don’t jibe with…seemingly every other person with ears in the Western Hemisphere.  I fuck with this one.  Like I said, the first few songs were…fine, but I had my guard up.  Over the course of “16 Carriages” I was able to unclench, take a deep breath, and absorb what was on offer.  And “Protector” was the first sign this was going to be a standout.

One of the all-stars of this project is the production.  It gives everything the perfect amount of space.  The wide-openness is meant to be evocative of, well, to put a finer point on it, the country.  Riding down a dusty highway with few to no other cars in sight.  The example most emblematic of this would be the duet with Miley Cyrus “II Most Wanted”.  That’s a buttery smooth harmony right there, produced to perfection.

Of course the album isn’t all outside all the time.  “Texas Hold ‘Em” has the feel of being in a wood-paneled line dancing hall.  Point is every track has the perfect atmosphere for the vibe it’s attempting.  Also, the type of country on display calls for a more reserved vocal delivery, which puts the kibosh on one of the things that annoys me about Beyonce: her tendency to oversing.  She has a good voice, it’s just this is the first full album where she didn’t do something with it to trip my ick factor.  Couple that with Country demanding a bit of “down to Earth”-iness of its purveyors and there’s another factor tampered down: no Queen B nor her messianic complex to annoy the non-believers.  The genre puts Beyonce through a filter that seems to allow me to finally enjoy her music for what it is.

Or maybe I’m overthinking all this and it’s just because the songs are good, because yeah.  That too.

For an album that has 27 tracks and runs 78 minutes to only have three songs that feel unnecessary is an achievement.  (Even the “really good” Janet Jackson albums from the late 80’s/early 90’s can’t say that.)  The interludes on Cowboy Carter are not only short enough, but help to paint the picture that Beyonce is painting.  (They’re a damn sight better than that number with Post Malone; throw “Levii’s Jeans” in the MUTHAFUCKIN ocean.)  The album also ends on an anti-climax; a one-two punch of the weirdest/corniest moment “Sweet*Honey*Buckin” and a mere reprise of the opener.  I feel like it could’ve used a nicer button; that would’ve had me keeping a chair in my Top 10 dusted off for it.  Instead?  We’ll see.

Cowboy Carter is the best album Beyonce’s done, the best album of 2024 so far, and though those are both low bars in my estimation, at least I wouldn’t be against her winning Album Of The Year for this (though I also think it would be hilarious if she went 0/4 at the Grammys because I’m part gremlin).

Jacob Collier “Djesse, Vol. 4”

A pretty massive improvement over Djesse, Vol. 3.  It’s less annoying, less scattershot, less badly produced, the songs are less giant piles of ideas thrown at a wall with nothing sticking.  I mean, it’s not not those things, but the problems are toned down to a point where I can sit and listen to this as music and not want to claw off my skin.  But there’s a new problem, in that by track 7 out of 16 I get bored.  That should not be possible with all the ideas Collier throws at you (the cover art is apt), but things get pretty middle of the road, white bread R&B-ish (albeit with the added cacophony that comes from dude’s style).  

And this is an album that starts with an epic song where a literal 100,000 people sing the THX theme, a bunch of jazz shit happens, the bridge soars to indescribable heights, then is cut off by a random snatch of Spanish music, which is then cut off by some random Djembe drumming, which fades into the background while Collier has a conversation with someone, then a FUCKING METALCORE BREAKDOWN HAPPENS (this song is not even five minutes, by the way).  This paragraph, up until now, has been one sentence.  That’s how much Collier jams into his average song, usually to everyone’s detriment.  But “100,000 Voices” fucking works somehow, despite doing everything that made Djesse Vol. 3 so abhorrent.  But then instead of continuing on this path, the middle of the album devolves into the most banal smooth jamz you could conceive of.

I was ready to pull the plug by the time he trotted out John Mayer & Lizzy McAlpine.  Thing is, in a vacuum, this is a really pleasant song.  But after the run from “Wherever I Go” to here, I’m ready for a nap.  And then dude drags out John Legend and Tori Kelly to do a six minute version of “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” that sits there like a petrified turd.  Again, the quality is not the problem; it’s well constructed, but context ruins the shit out of it.

After that is a hyper-K-Pop song with Chris Martin that has a reggaeton beat?  It’s not good, but after all the turgid dross prior, I’m here for it.  Also a gospel bridge, because why not?  “Box Of Stars Pt. 1” is the whitest version of as many black genres you could cram into five minutes.  Lots of African drums, gospel choirs again, actual UK drill rappers, trap instrumentation, but all drowning in Collier’s cholesteroholic mayonnaise.  “Pt. 2” continues the drumming, but getting slower and slower over the course of three whole minutes, then speeding up again with a string section added.  Lyrically, it’s a reprise of the album, with snatches from other songs like “On A Rock”.  Then Steve Vai (?!?) starts shredding over some big rock ending, then they bring back the THX thing, and somehow this isn’t the last song?!?  No, despite doing something that screams “FINALE”, Collier brings back the slow, sleepy gospel choir like it’s Christmas Eve or something and we go out on a well conducted note (it does build to a crescendo) but man after the last ten songs do I not wanna hear it.

So yeah, long and short is this album is bad for much different reasons than Djesse, Vol. 3 was.  The frustrating thing is it clearly didn’t have to be.  (At least he’s making new mistakes?)

Kenny Mason “9”

Whatever made Kenny Mason a unique breath of fresh air in 2021, he’s lost it.  Maybe that’s not 100% accurate; he still uses real instruments on some of his songs (and the closer isn’t a trap nor a rage song; that’s some variety), but his vocal delivery, his beats and especially his lyrics have regressed to the mean in a depressing fashion, to the point where he’s barely distinguishable from any other rapper.  And I feel weird saying that about 9, because there are several examples of what made him stand out on Angelic Hoodrat…they just suck now.  They aren’t working anymore.

Kenny Mason has been a frustrating artist.  I went from “This guy rules!” to “Hmmm….” to “Completely whatever” to “I’m done” in less than three years (over four releases).  And I don’t have faith that things will get better.

MGK & Trippie Redd “genre:sadboy”

Even if these are your genuine feelings, no one would ever believe you.  Both y’all need to retire.


And that’ll do it.  No fancy plans for next time, just keep it here and we’ll see what I cook up next.  (Lord knows the back burner could use some clearing…)

You never know…