MUSIC REVIEW: Drake "Certified Lover Boy"

 Whelp.  This happened.  We should probably talk about it.

This is the first time I've hit play on a Drake project, so this'll be an outsider's view into the domain of the 6 God.  (And given the album cover is a bunch of pregnant women emojis from a man who lost a rap battle by having his opponent OUT HIS SECRET CHILD, that isn't the best foot forward...)

It's funny Drake and Kanye are beefing, because the beat for "Champagne Poetry" is pretty inspired by Ye.  On track 2 he's talking to all his illegitimate children, saying "Daddy's Home", but then doesn't say anything pertinent on the subject.  I don't know if this would be too comforting if I was one of those kids; it's all really vague.

It takes more than a corny pickup line to turn a woman straight, dude, but Drake and Lil Baby don't seem to know better.  ("Girls Want Girls" also seems to think lesbians don't exist in other cities.)

A minute into "In The Bible" I really start to regret my life choices for having clicked play on this.  I notice a) this is five fucking minutes somehow and b)Giveon is on this.  I'm sorry, but I cannot stand Giveon's voice.  But shoutout to Lil Durk for sucking pretty hard on this as well!

"Love All" has Jay-Z on it.  Jay-Z is trying and it smokes everything else on this album so far and it's not even close.  "Fair Trade" features Travis Scott and "Sicko Mode" this is not.  I liked at least half of Astroworld when it came out, "Sicko Mode" especially.  And Drake was tolerable on that.  Here it sounds like their mode is sick and Travis Scott especially needs a blanket and some chicken soup.  

"Way2Sexy" features Future and Young Thug, samples "I'm Too Sexy" and literally just continues the fucking "I'm Too Sexy for your...[name of thing]" conceit of the original song.  This is currently the top trending video on YouTube as I type this, so place your bets on whether or not this debuts at #1 on the singles chart.  The hits this year have largely been dogshit, but this is fucking terrible.

And then...SWISHA HOUSE?!?!?  Da FUQ?!!?  What DECADE am I in?  Oh God, we've actually started the mid 2000's nostalgia already.  After that intro to put fear in the hearts of anyone who was in the 18-24 demo back then, Drake makes a song that I swore I heard earlier on this project already but with lyrics that are some of the lowest effort I've ever heard in my life.  He even says "This some shit that happened and I'm just recording this shit".  You don't say...Then the song flips to some quarter time R&B thing about cheating with some girl.  Is the word "shawty" supposed to evoke some kind of emotional response or am I supposed to just be mad that you're the most popular artist in America while also being second corniest to only Macklemore?

That's the thing.  I get the appeal of Drake, I understand why he's popular and though I think his music is largely trash, I don't begrudge him his success.  What I don't understand is why he was the biggest selling artist of the 2010's, and I really don't understand why he keeps being #1 by some distance.  This album in particular feels like he's coasting big time.  There's not really a catchy hook to be found, no dance song (though "Toosie Slide" didn't sound like one to me; I guess the lyrics make it a dance song?), no obvious hits...Drake knows he can get away with shitting out whatever's on the tip of his brain and go straight to #1.  (Or in the case of Scary Hours 2 #1, 2 and 3 in the same week.)

The beat for the second half of "N 2 Deep" is all right; I'll give his producer that.  But it's by the next track "Pipe Down" (10 of 21) that I realize "God's Plan" would feel like such a tempo increase it would break my neck.  The songs on this album are SLOOOOOW.  

Then "Yebba's Heartbreak" has some actual soul, but of course that's because Drake's not on it.  No writing credit, no producer credit, not even a backing vocal, nothing.  It's Yebba and a keyboardist. 

After that, the album starts to go "gangsta", rapping more about yellow tape and "gang shit".  And because Drake's verse on "Knife Talk" is so globe trotter-y, super richy-rich, it somehow manages to make 21 fucking Savage sound unbelievable when he raps about being on "gang shit".  That shouldn't be fucking possible.

And if he couldn't get more insufferable, Drake has the nerve to drop a line about Giannis Antetokounmpo after talking mad shit to him on the court in 2019 (Bucks fans remember).  Get of the bandwagon and my dick.  The rest of the track is him bitching about the media. 

"Fountains" is "One Dance" part...four?  I've lost count.  It's got a neat beat at least.  Then in the chorus he...burps?  I swear this man just fucking burped during the hook of this smooth as butter jam.  And make no mistake, this still counts as cod reggae; just because your city has a Chinatown doesn't mean you built the great wall.

"Get Along Better" is somehow the slowest song on here; I think it might be 60bpm or under, because it's half or even quarter time.  It's molasses.  Yet somehow, it's got some interesting harmonies and it winds up being like the second best song on the whole album.  I don't fucking get it.

Oh shit, here's that neck snap!  "You Only Live Twice" is legit 70-80bpm faster, and it sounds like thrash metal by comparison.  Rick Ross does his usual verse, but in context it sounds decent enough.  Drake's verse only kinda sucks, but he does say he's "actually Michael Jackson" so considering how dude ended up...yikes?  Lil Wayne spits the most fire thing on here and it's not even close.

By 20 seconds into "IMY2" it's like "You Only Live Twice" never happened.  It's another molasses slow snoozefest.  "Fucking Fans" isn't worth commenting on, then we get to the finale: "The Remorse".  I really don't understand why it's called that; it's just talking about his career, about how much more money he has than Google says his net worth is and I'm done.  

I gained zero insight into this man from this album.  I gained zero insight as to why he's as popular as he is, why he can keep topping the charts with songs that sound like an artist on fumes at this point (this man has done so much better in the past; I swear).  If I was his A&R, I'd be worried because I don't hear an obvious single, but not too worried because a) It's Drake, and b) there's a ton of guest stars.  This'll sell.  But listening to it?  What a fucking 86 minute waste of time.  I feel icky and I need a shower.

This might not wind up being the worst album of the year, but it's definitely the lamest.