Skip to main content

THE TOURNAMENT TO END ALL TOURNAMENTS: The Eighth Round AND The Triple-Threat Elimination Match To Determine It All


"The Nature Boy" Ric Flair VS Brock Lesnar

This match would be ugly.  It would be uncomfortable.  It would me Ivan Drago murdering Apollo Creed.  Lesnar would take his time with the most prolific world champion there has ever been, savoring each suplex, each ground and pound, each impact of fist to flesh and flesh to canvas.  The suffering of this man (who is one of the best sellers in the business, but would have gone limp and silent after seven or eight minutes of punishment) eliciting something approaching glee from the Beast Incarnate.  Blood dribbles from Flair's mouth first, then the old crimson mask, earned hardway.  After about ten minutes, even Paul Heyman, Brock Lesnar's manager and advocate, is begging him to stop.  He's proved his point!  He's done enough!  But for Brock, it's never enough.  He chains five more german suplexes together to make a grand total of eighteen, then F-5's The Nature Boy one more time just to rub it in that he.  Cannot.  Be stopped.  Lesnar is going to the finals.



The Undertaker VS Kurt Angle

The Undertaker once made short work of Kurt Angle in the summer of 2000, but I'd argue that Angle had yet to hit his stride.  Once he did, The Undertaker never beat him again.  In ultimate god mode, Angle could outwrestle just about anybody, and if he stayed away from Undertaker's power game, he could win it.  Angle advances.



"The Scissor King" Joe Stecher VS Hulk Hogan

Once again, I have to refer to the 1983 match between Hulk Hogan and Antonio Inoki.  The way Hogan was able to stand up to an absolute 5-Star Ring General like that makes me think that, in a work, he could've made a win over Joe Stecher look convincing.  Also, it's Hulk fucking Hogan we're talking about here.  Dude's a boss.


Brock Lesnar defeats Ric Flair
Kurt Angle defeats The Undertaker
Hulk Hogan defeats Joe Stecher

Because this was never about fantasy booking an entire match or storyline or whatever, and because this has taken more than 550 days off our lives (also because I’m in the middle of finals, and I just want this to be OVER with), I’ll keep the finals brief.  Besides, two of the three men involved have had far more fantastic matches against one another than my words could ever do justice to.  Typing out a hold for hold recount of an imaginary encounter between two men that have already had plenty of real ones just feels redundant to me.  Adding Hogan and making it a Triple Threat actually makes it...awkward. 

THE FINAL ROUND:

A Triple Threat Elimination Match To Determine It All:


Brock Lesnar VS Kurt Angle VS Hulk Hogan

Hogan is eliminated about twelve minutes in.  He is a bloody mess.

Angle pins Lesnar after a missed shooting star press at the thirty-nine minute mark.  (Lesnar kicks out, goes for the F-5, but Angle counters with his FIFTH Angle Slam.)

!!!!!KURT ANGLE WINS IT ALL!!!!!

Come on back for a look back at this ridiculously long tournament!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

THE GRUNGE MATCH - Conclusion

This has certainly been a heck of a thing.

Writing this started out as a labor of love to a subgenre of rock and roll that came along at the perfect time for me (both when I was entering middle school in the bottom 5 of the popularity pecking order and when I started buying albums at the impressionable age of 11).  It obviously took a long time to put together: August 29th, 2016 is when I began planning, May 24th is when I wrote the last entry, the wee hours of August 1st, 2017 is when I finished proofreading and uploading the entries to the blog with video links, and here I am typing these words on August 15th.

The elephant in the room is this genre seems to be built on death.  Three of the four frontmen of these bands are dead, one of which occurred during the run of this series.  (Shouts to Alice In Chains bassist Mike Starr as well.  R.I.P.)  On top of that, Pearl Jam only exists because the lead singer of Mother Love Bone died, causing that band to break up.  If you go down the nex…

WHAT THE HELL IS A BLOG? - iTunes Music Reviews, April 2018

Being that it's been more than a year since I've attempted one of these and iTunes is gonna stop selling mp3's next year, this is probably my next to last chance to do this sort of thing.  I started doing hot take reviews of albums based off nothing but 30 second iTunes previews in 2007, and if I'd been smart, I'd've transitioned to YouTube with them in about 2009.  I didn't, so here we are.  If reading a slightly older gentleman trying to temper his apathy and vexation at modern pop music and give it a fair shake (or trying to be funny when shitting on things that he can't resist shitting on) is your jam, step up to the dance floor!

Scoring system goes from 0 stars (sometimes negative if it goes the extra mile of horrible) to five stars (which has happened three times in 11 years of doing this, and I'd take every one of them back because that's the thing with hot takes).  Here we go!


Cardi B "Invasion Of Privacy" ❂ & 1/2
(or ❂❂, dep…

WHO IS CHAMPION OF WRESTLEMANS?!?!? Wrestlemania IV VS Wrestlemania 34

Welcome to this crazy, ridiculous idea.  So, I've done current Wrestlemania cards VS old Wrestlemania cards before, but this one is different.  Wrestlemania IV was dominated by a one night tournament for the vacant WWF title (the only time Vacant got to main event Mania!).  It had a handful of other matches, but it was mostly about the fourteen man tournament for the belt.  So we're gonna do a 32-man tournament for the crown of Wrestlemania Champion!

Here's how it shakes out: I picked sixteen wrestlers from Wrestlemania 34 (one of which isn't official, but they've teased Undertaker so goddam hard I would be forgiven if it turns out to be an elaborate swerve) and sixteen from Wrestlemania IV.  I had to include the participants of the Intercontinental Title match from that one as well, since the tournament only had 14 wrestlers.  (Hogan & Andre got a first round bye and it was a whole thing.)  For this year, I picked the participants from the WWE and Universal t…