WHO IS CHAMPION OF WRESTLEMANS?!?!? Wrestlemania IV VS Wrestlemania 34
Welcome to this crazy, ridiculous idea. So, I've done current Wrestlemania cards VS old Wrestlemania cards before, but this one is different. Wrestlemania IV was dominated by a one night tournament for the vacant WWF title (the only time Vacant got to main event Mania!). It had a handful of other matches, but it was mostly about the fourteen man tournament for the belt. So we're gonna do a 32-man tournament for the crown of Wrestlemania Champion!Here's how it shakes out: I picked sixteen wrestlers from Wrestlemania 34 (one of which isn't official, but they've teased Undertaker so goddam hard I would be forgiven if it turns out to be an elaborate swerve) and sixteen from Wrestlemania IV. I had to include the participants of the Intercontinental Title match from that one as well, since the tournament only had 14 wrestlers. (Hogan & Andre got a first round bye and it was a whole thing.) For this year, I picked the participants from the WWE and Universal title matches, the IC and US title matches, the Raw tag title match (minus the mystery partner, since we don't know who it will be yet) John Cena, The Undertaker and a certain wrestler who made me re-write the brackets because he's magically allowed to wrestle again. That math may not work out perfectly, but bear with me; I've got a plan.
Single elimination; one fall to a finish; five rounds. Let's do this thing!
ROUND ONE:
"The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiassi VS Roman Reigns
Early attempts from Dibiassi to ground Reigns with mat wrestling are countered hard by Roman's brute force, which leads to DiBiassi's famous beg off as the babyface approaches. Virgil jumps up on the apron to distract Reigns while DiBiassi sneaks up from behind and locks in the Million Dollar Dream. Reigns struggles a bit then backs him into the corner to break the hold. Roman bounces off the opposite ropes as the Million Dollar Man staggers out of the corner right into the path of the spear for the pin.
After the match, Andre The Giant (who ran with DiBiassi around WM4) gets up on the apron to ambush, but Roman (obviously) sees him coming and the Giant eats a superman punch, knocking him back down to the floor. Roman takes a little too much time gloating back up the ramp and Andre catches up to him. The Eighth Wonder spins Reigns around and conks him with a headbutt, then stands on his head in the aisle, using the barricade to steady himself. Reigns is subjected to this for about fifteen to twenty seconds while referees swarm Andre, begging him to stop, but the Giant only stops when he's good and ready and they know it. Reigns is helped to the back, but is wobbly.
WINNER: Roman Reigns
Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake VS Daniel Bryan
[Blogger's Note: When I first wrote these brackets, it was supposed to be Rusev in Bryan's slot, but then craaaazy shit jumped off and here we are.]
This match wouldn't be much to write home about. If Beefcake works heel, it's a five minute TV match from 1989. If he works face, I think Bryan destroys him like enhancement talent. And the Barber was a face at the time. Flying Goat incoming and advancing. Yes yes yes.
WINNER: Daniel Bryan
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan VS Brock Lesnar
Oh God. Why did it have to be this way? I love Hacksaw. It didn't have to end like this... In 2000 when Hacksaw made his triumphant return to WCW after being treated to kidney cancer (and I mean during his return speech), a newly heel Goldberg came out and made him cough up blood. This match would probably go similar, but be way more tasteful and 50/50 on the capsule in the mouth from Duggan.
WINNER: Brock Lesnar
The Honky Tonk Man VS The Undertaker
Ever the cowardly I.C. Champ, Honky tries to take a powder, but the way is blocked by druids. As he tries to back away, Taker reaches over the top rope and pulls Honky into the ring by the hair. Chokeslam and Tombstone for the three.
WINNER: The Undertaker
"The Rock" Don Muracco VS AJ Styles
WINNER: AJ Styles
Hulk Hogan VS John Cena
Holy. Fucking. Shit. For this match alone, the time limit has been waved and these two have an intergenerational war of the ages, splitting the difference between the 80's main event style and the 2010's kick out of everything ever war of attrition, mainly because Hogan has two finishers. He busts out the Axe Bomber here from his New Japan days, but even that is not enough, and a Super AA slays the Hulkster in what has to be a bit of an upset. (If that happened now Terry Bollea would disappear in a cloud of dust.)
WINNER: John Cena
Dino Bravo VS Shinsuke Nakamura
A clash of styles: Stong Style VS Strong Man Style. Dino was famous for (kayfabe) breaking the world bench press record during the first Royal Rumble telecast (with big cheats from Jesse Ventura to assist). We all know Shin wins this, right?
WINNER: Shinsuke Nakamura
Andre The Giant VS Cesaro
Yes, Cesaro swings Andre. The move is called The Giant Swing, for fuck's sake. It's criminal he never got to do it to Khali; that's a no-brainer! But in spite of his best efforts, Andre is the irresistible force and smashes the Swiss Superman in about four minutes.
WINNER: Andre The Giant
The One Man Gang VS The Miz
Another weasely I.C. Champ gets flattened by a goliath. Less than two minutes.
WINNER: The One Man Gang
"Ravishing" Rick Rude VS Sheamus
This would have been a good match. Rick Rude was a general who knew how to call it in the ring, Sheamus is better than people give him credit for and would gel well with Rude. It would be weird, because in my mind it makes sense for Sheamus to play heel because of his move set and have Rude manage to incapacitate the Celtic Warrior for just long enough to hit his neckbreaker and get out alive, but it could easily be Rude as a heel, short-cutting his way back into the match whenever Sheamus started to run roughshot. Either way, Rude advances.
WINNER: "Ravishing" Rick Rude
Bam Bam Biggelow VS Finn Balor
The guy with all the tatoos VS the guy with all the paint. This match would've been hella interesting, because no big man could move like Bam Bam. He was one of the most underrated wrestlers of his time, even in the late 90's. He got to show some of what he could do in ECW, but after a stint in WCW, that fire was forgotten. I still think Finn Balor is better all around, and the demon would be able to double stomp his way past the Beast from Asbury Park.
WINNER: Finn Balor
Jake "The Snake" Roberts VS Braun Strowman
Jake as a babyface would fight valiantly, but unsuccessfully against the Monster Among Men, get the snake to freak him out, Braun would no-sell it and while Jake put Damien back in the bag, Braun would turn him around and power slam him for the win. (This doesn't take into account that they would never book a spot where Damien was left unattended; not after an incident where the snake almost got into the crowd and almost choked Roberts to death for real. But it's awkward for Braun to wait for Jake to put the snake back in the bag when it doesn't want to go, and it's a fictional wrestling tournament so eh.)
WINNER: Braun Strowman
Greg "The Hammer" Valentine VS Seth Rollins
Rollins has a history of knee injuries and Valentine's finisher is the Figure Four. Hammer will work over the knee, and Seth will wind up selling it for the rest of the tournament, because he's going over in 10:30.
WINNER: Seth Rollins
"The Natural" Butch Reed VS Bobby Roode
WINNER: Bobby Roode
Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat VS Randy Orton
Randall will find out the hard way it's harder to kill a legend when they're still in their prime. This match would be hella good. Steamboat fakes Orton out by teasing a top rope body press, Randy goes for the RKO, gets nothing, and while he's on his back Steamboat splashes him for the win.
WINNER: Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
"Macho Man" Randy Savage VS Jinder Mahal
"Macho Man" Randy Savage VS Rusev
WINNER: "Macho Man" Randy Savage
Join us again tomorrow for round two!
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