WRESTLEMANIA 2 VS WRESTLEMANIA 32: Fantasy Booking Run Amok!!!!
With Wrestlemania 32 mere hours away, I am here to put some fantasy booking in your brain...holes...that doesn't seem right. Anyway, I've done this sort of thing once or twice before, and thought it was high time I revived the gimmick.
Today, we pit Wrestlemania 2 against Wrestlemania 32. But not by match quality, or star power. No siree, Bob. We're going to make fantasy matches pitting past VS present to see who comes out on top. Because of the sheer number of performers on both cards, it left me with eighteen matches. As a result, I've decided to take a cue from Wrestlemania 2 and split things up into three separate cards.
[Side note: I took the NFL players out of the battle royal, because there were already so many frickin' wrestlers on this card. Also, I didn't have anything else for the 10-divas tag match participants to do except turn they women's title match into even more of a clusterfuck or have the match they're already having with no extra trimmings, so I just didn't bother.]
So without further ado, let's take you down to ringside in Madison Square Garden:
The first thing that might stand out is the inclusion of Terry Funk in this match and not his partner "Hoss" Funk, but hear me out. I don't really see Dory Funk Jr. in a ladder match. But Terry Funk? That fucker's crazy. Also, three of the four members of the League of Nations are in this match, but Kalisto's nemesis Alberto Del Rio is not. The reason for that will become clear in a minute, but first, let's just say the League would work together to take over the match, only to be overcome by their own egos and their plans undone. The match would start with the same crazy scramble that begins any one of these matches you've seen since the first Money In The Bank, spots, spots, spots, League Of Nations takeover, League Of Nations dissention, more spots, Kalisto kills himself and Sheamus with a salina del sol off a ladder through the announce table or some shit and Piper and Funk are left to fight for the prize at the end, with Piper getting the win because he once wrestled in the Stampede territory and they invented the Ladder Match.
WINNER: ROWDY RODDY PIPER
As far as famous unmasked Mexican wrestlers go in the United States, the progression goes: Pedro Morales, Tito Santana, Eddie Guerrero, Alberto Del Rio. Since Pedro was not quite what he used to be by Wrestlemania 2 and Eddie Guerrero was in a different era altogether, that leaves Tito Santana in his prime against Alberto Del Rio, who may still be in his. Expect 12 minutes of solid mat action, Del Rio pulling a bunch of heel shit, passion flaring during Santana's comeback and disappointment as he falls short. I mean, come on. Losing at Wrestlemania was practically Tito's gimmick.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
Celebrity Fight!!! Mr T (kayfabe) knocks Miz's veneers out again that he just had replaced. Second Round KO
WINNER: MR T
There were several dream matches I could have gone with involving Randy Savage (AJ Styles being one that springs to mind), but I went with current champion VS Past Champion, as I did with all title matches. I think that makes for matches one might not expect. Kevin Owens can't really bully the Macho Man like his normal opponents, but he could definitely take Savage off his game by threatening Elizabeth. Not that he would hit her or anything; he doesn't need to. Just get inside Randy's head, and you get him to make mistakes. It's psychology, son. Of course, even by Wrestlemania 2 Savage was bigger than Owens is at this point, so I give the match to him. K.O. kicks out of the first elbow drop, as Savage kicks out of the pop-up power bomb.
WINNER: "MACHO MAN" RANDY SAVAGE
How fucking hard nosed would this match have been? I can imagine a spot where Dynamite eliminates himself and D-Von via diving headbutt. (The rules for this are always changing; just roll with it) But those damn Dudleys don't follow any rules, so when they go for the 3D to eliminate Davey Boy, Dynamite moves the table out of the way to make the save. Eventually, Davey running power slams Bubba through a table in the corner to win.
WINNER: THE BRITISH BULLDOGS
Believe it or not, this match has a legitimate storyline you can point to. On an Old-School Raw in 2014, Jake "The Snake" came out to drape a snake over a prone Dean Ambrose to end the show. These two have interacted, and it's enough to start a feud. Ambrose could play it up like he took offense to being so insulted, they trade promos, then on The Snake Pit (Jake's interview segment) they have at it, setting up the match. (Also, they both use the DDT as a finisher.)
The Lunatic Fringe against the cold and calculating snake. Ambrose would try to do all sorts of fast paced, crazy things and Jake would manage to recover and slow everything down. Roberts would know being methodical in the face of this madness is the key to victory, so he would bide his time and strike when Ambrose over-commits. One DDT later (just like it should be) and Ambrose is counting the lights.
WINNER: JAKE "THE SNAKE" ROBERTS
This match starts with all four opponents beating the ever-loving shit out of Moolah and putting her through the announce table. Why? Because of what she did to hold women's wrestling back for four whole decades by making it quite literally all about herself. Now it's her who's been buried beneath the Spanish announce table. During this, Velvet McIntyre's wardrobe malfunctions (just like at Wrestlemania 2) and she sneaks to the back for new gear. What we're left with is a match that's actually happening at Wrestlemania 32: Charlotte VS Sasha VS Becky. I think this match has a real chance at stealing the show, and this would be no exception. As Moolah looks on as she tries to gather herself midst the wreckage, she sees these three women doing things she could never have even conceived of doing herself. And it eats her ALIVE. You know what? She deserves that. At some point, Velvet makes a run in again and beats up three exhausted competitors, but Sasha puts her in the Banks Statement and voila! The Boss lives up to her name.
WINNER: SASHA BANKS
Mainly, I just thought this would be funny. The Big Guy VS a guy who's notorious in wrestling lore for being a practically immobile mound of muscle. Ryback clotheslines him the fuck out of the ring or something and Arcidi doesn't get back up.
WINNER: RYBACK VIA COUNTOUT
The comparison is undeniable. WCW would have had you believe this was Father VS Son (it's totally not). Big Show is undeniably more athletic, but you'd be hard pressed to say Big Show is an irresistible force against such an immovable object as Andre. I've seen Big Show flip a Hummer, and I still think Andre might have been stronger. Dude was unreal. Except...he actually existed.
WINNER: ANDRE THE GIANT
Wait, who? Of all the talents I could have pitted against the Beast Incarnate, this is what I chose? hear me out, man. King Tonga went by a few other names, namely Haku and Meng. Tonga Fifita is his real name, but King Tonga is what he went by when he participated in the NFL VS WWF Battle Royal at Wrestlemania 2. And at that time, he was still a svelt 265lbs. I've seen a match from around this time period, and not only was he a babyface, he could move around like Ricky Steamboat. Think of the tough, brutal reputation Haku has and pair that with agility and mat wrestling savvy. That's King Tonga. Now do you want to see him face Brock Lesnar? Fuck yeah, you do! This match would've been something special, even if it was 300lb. WCW Meng with the giant afro, but this, with dude 15 years younger, would've been crazy. Lesnar still goes over, though. He's the guy who beat the streak.
WINNER: BROCK LESNAR
Three bizarre notes in the history of Wrestlemania: 1. Bruno Sammartino and Pedro Morales both wrestled in a Wrestlemania, 2. It was the same match, and 3. It was their only Wrestlemania appearance (not counting Bruno's Hall Of Fame induction, of course). Bruno had two of the five longest World title reigns in the history of WWE, and Pedro had another, and the only time they ever wrestled at a Wrestlemania was buried deep in a shitty cross-promotional battle royal with NFL guys in it.
Now, another thing you might notice is two main event names from this year's Wrestlemania are in this match: Roman Reigns and Shane McMahon. I couldn't find an opponent that made sense with Shane (though that didn't stop them from actually booking him in WM32, now did it?) and honestly, the same goes for Roman. That's not necessarily a knock on these guys so much as it demonstrates their quizzical status in the game. A) What's Shane doing here at all (answer: injury-induced Desperation) and B) Who do you put Roman with? Paul Orndorff? Not compelling. Hercules? Same. Can't put him with Hogan, though that would make sense because Champs fight Champs. So I put him in the Battle Royal, and he will win this thing because he's got the Royal Rumble record for most eliminations in a single year. Believe that, Naruto.
WINNER: ROMAN REIGNS
This match would be all right, but it would feel like any other tag title defense these guys have ever made. Beefcake & Valentine would get in some licks, but The New Day are so over they can't be beat right now.
WINNER: THE NEW DAY
Two high flying tag teams doing their thing. B's try their Masked Twin Magic switcharoo deal, but B. Brian Blair gets a savat kick to the back of the head during the rollup, Usos fly and win the day, making him humble.
WINNER THE USOS
This is another reason I didn't go with Styles/Savage. This would be a better match in my opinion. I cannot even begin to describe how good this would be. I cannot do it justice. This would be the best match on the card. And in the end, I feel like the Phenomenal One has more innovation in his offense, and that's what will allow him to excel past such a talent like Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. But it would be damn close.
WINNER: AJ STYLES
Confession: I've never seen Tyler Breeze wrestle. Well, he was in the Rumble but this year but that doesn't count. I honestly have no idea what this guy can do in the ring. What I do know is he's only won...two main roster matches? I think? I've at least seen Adrian Adonis win before, so by that alone, I give the Adorable one the duke over Prince Pretty.
WINNER: ADORABLE ADRIAN ADONIS
This might be the second best match on the card. Yes, it's 1986 Bret Hart VS 2016 Chris Jericho, but that would still be fucking amazing. Taking that into account, however, I have to do the unthinkable and put Jericho over. Bret Hart was awesome even back then, but Chris Jericho now is better than one half of the Hart Foundation before they even started wearing pink.
WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO
Hoss fight! Four big motherfuckers beatin' on eachother to the delight of...some? It's bowling shoe ugly, but you know 'Taker & Kane win this. Hell, Bundy was the fourth victim of the streak; those two fought at Wrestlemania 11.
WINNER: THE BROTHERS OF DESTRUCTION
As good as The Game is, he lost his only match against the Hulkster in 2002 when Hulk was 49. In this scenario, the shoe is on the other foot: Hogan is in his prime and Helmsley is almost 47. Also, IT'S HULK HOGAN IN HIS PRIME. At Wrestlemania. We'll say The Game kicks out of the legdrop, but not the second one. And once again, Wrestlemania ends with ten minutes of "I Am A Real American" and lots of muscle poses. As it should, really.
WINNER: HULK HOGAN
So, that's it. Let me know what you think in the comments. Or if you wanna bitch about Wrestlemania 32 down there, feel free! The Showcase of the Immortals may be in a state of flux right now, but holy shit, you could say the same of Wrestlemania 2. Then we got Wrestlemania III, so hey. Keep the faith.
Thanks for reading!
Today, we pit Wrestlemania 2 against Wrestlemania 32. But not by match quality, or star power. No siree, Bob. We're going to make fantasy matches pitting past VS present to see who comes out on top. Because of the sheer number of performers on both cards, it left me with eighteen matches. As a result, I've decided to take a cue from Wrestlemania 2 and split things up into three separate cards.
[Side note: I took the NFL players out of the battle royal, because there were already so many frickin' wrestlers on this card. Also, I didn't have anything else for the 10-divas tag match participants to do except turn they women's title match into even more of a clusterfuck or have the match they're already having with no extra trimmings, so I just didn't bother.]
So without further ado, let's take you down to ringside in Madison Square Garden:
NEW YORK
LADDER MATCH FOR THE U.S. TITLE:
Kalisto VS Rowdy Roddy Piper VS Paul Orndorff VS Terry Funk VS Rusev VS King Barrett VS Sheamus
The first thing that might stand out is the inclusion of Terry Funk in this match and not his partner "Hoss" Funk, but hear me out. I don't really see Dory Funk Jr. in a ladder match. But Terry Funk? That fucker's crazy. Also, three of the four members of the League of Nations are in this match, but Kalisto's nemesis Alberto Del Rio is not. The reason for that will become clear in a minute, but first, let's just say the League would work together to take over the match, only to be overcome by their own egos and their plans undone. The match would start with the same crazy scramble that begins any one of these matches you've seen since the first Money In The Bank, spots, spots, spots, League Of Nations takeover, League Of Nations dissention, more spots, Kalisto kills himself and Sheamus with a salina del sol off a ladder through the announce table or some shit and Piper and Funk are left to fight for the prize at the end, with Piper getting the win because he once wrestled in the Stampede territory and they invented the Ladder Match.
WINNER: ROWDY RODDY PIPER
Alberto Del Rio VS Tito Santana
As far as famous unmasked Mexican wrestlers go in the United States, the progression goes: Pedro Morales, Tito Santana, Eddie Guerrero, Alberto Del Rio. Since Pedro was not quite what he used to be by Wrestlemania 2 and Eddie Guerrero was in a different era altogether, that leaves Tito Santana in his prime against Alberto Del Rio, who may still be in his. Expect 12 minutes of solid mat action, Del Rio pulling a bunch of heel shit, passion flaring during Santana's comeback and disappointment as he falls short. I mean, come on. Losing at Wrestlemania was practically Tito's gimmick.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
BOXING MATCH
The Miz VS Mr T
Celebrity Fight!!! Mr T (kayfabe) knocks Miz's veneers out again that he just had replaced. Second Round KO
WINNER: MR T
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH
Kevin Owens VS "Macho Man" Randy Savage
There were several dream matches I could have gone with involving Randy Savage (AJ Styles being one that springs to mind), but I went with current champion VS Past Champion, as I did with all title matches. I think that makes for matches one might not expect. Kevin Owens can't really bully the Macho Man like his normal opponents, but he could definitely take Savage off his game by threatening Elizabeth. Not that he would hit her or anything; he doesn't need to. Just get inside Randy's head, and you get him to make mistakes. It's psychology, son. Of course, even by Wrestlemania 2 Savage was bigger than Owens is at this point, so I give the match to him. K.O. kicks out of the first elbow drop, as Savage kicks out of the pop-up power bomb.
WINNER: "MACHO MAN" RANDY SAVAGE
TABLES MATCH:
The Dudley Boys VS The British Bulldogs
How fucking hard nosed would this match have been? I can imagine a spot where Dynamite eliminates himself and D-Von via diving headbutt. (The rules for this are always changing; just roll with it) But those damn Dudleys don't follow any rules, so when they go for the 3D to eliminate Davey Boy, Dynamite moves the table out of the way to make the save. Eventually, Davey running power slams Bubba through a table in the corner to win.
WINNER: THE BRITISH BULLDOGS
Dean Ambrose VS Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Believe it or not, this match has a legitimate storyline you can point to. On an Old-School Raw in 2014, Jake "The Snake" came out to drape a snake over a prone Dean Ambrose to end the show. These two have interacted, and it's enough to start a feud. Ambrose could play it up like he took offense to being so insulted, they trade promos, then on The Snake Pit (Jake's interview segment) they have at it, setting up the match. (Also, they both use the DDT as a finisher.)
The Lunatic Fringe against the cold and calculating snake. Ambrose would try to do all sorts of fast paced, crazy things and Jake would manage to recover and slow everything down. Roberts would know being methodical in the face of this madness is the key to victory, so he would bide his time and strike when Ambrose over-commits. One DDT later (just like it should be) and Ambrose is counting the lights.
WINNER: JAKE "THE SNAKE" ROBERTS
CHICAGO
WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Charlotte VS The Fabulous Moolah VS Sasha Banks VS Becky Lynch VS Velvet McIntyre
This match starts with all four opponents beating the ever-loving shit out of Moolah and putting her through the announce table. Why? Because of what she did to hold women's wrestling back for four whole decades by making it quite literally all about herself. Now it's her who's been buried beneath the Spanish announce table. During this, Velvet McIntyre's wardrobe malfunctions (just like at Wrestlemania 2) and she sneaks to the back for new gear. What we're left with is a match that's actually happening at Wrestlemania 32: Charlotte VS Sasha VS Becky. I think this match has a real chance at stealing the show, and this would be no exception. As Moolah looks on as she tries to gather herself midst the wreckage, she sees these three women doing things she could never have even conceived of doing herself. And it eats her ALIVE. You know what? She deserves that. At some point, Velvet makes a run in again and beats up three exhausted competitors, but Sasha puts her in the Banks Statement and voila! The Boss lives up to her name.
WINNER: SASHA BANKS
Ryback VS Ted Arcidi
Mainly, I just thought this would be funny. The Big Guy VS a guy who's notorious in wrestling lore for being a practically immobile mound of muscle. Ryback clotheslines him the fuck out of the ring or something and Arcidi doesn't get back up.
WINNER: RYBACK VIA COUNTOUT
The Big Show VS Andre The Giant
The comparison is undeniable. WCW would have had you believe this was Father VS Son (it's totally not). Big Show is undeniably more athletic, but you'd be hard pressed to say Big Show is an irresistible force against such an immovable object as Andre. I've seen Big Show flip a Hummer, and I still think Andre might have been stronger. Dude was unreal. Except...he actually existed.
WINNER: ANDRE THE GIANT
Brock Lesnar VS King Tonga
Wait, who? Of all the talents I could have pitted against the Beast Incarnate, this is what I chose? hear me out, man. King Tonga went by a few other names, namely Haku and Meng. Tonga Fifita is his real name, but King Tonga is what he went by when he participated in the NFL VS WWF Battle Royal at Wrestlemania 2. And at that time, he was still a svelt 265lbs. I've seen a match from around this time period, and not only was he a babyface, he could move around like Ricky Steamboat. Think of the tough, brutal reputation Haku has and pair that with agility and mat wrestling savvy. That's King Tonga. Now do you want to see him face Brock Lesnar? Fuck yeah, you do! This match would've been something special, even if it was 300lb. WCW Meng with the giant afro, but this, with dude 15 years younger, would've been crazy. Lesnar still goes over, though. He's the guy who beat the streak.
WINNER: BROCK LESNAR
MEGA BATTLE ROYAL OF ALL TIMEY-TIMEZ (36-Dude)
Sami Zayn / Dolph Ziggler / Zack Ryder / Stardust / Sin Cara / Heath Slater / Curtis Axel / Adam Rose / Bo Dallas / Roman Reigns / Shane McMahon / Corporal Kirchner / Nikolai Volkoff / Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart / Hercules Hernandez / Uncle Elmer / Hoss Funk / Junkyard Dog / Tony Atlas / Pedro Morales / Dan Spivey / Hillbilly Jim / The Iron Sheik / Bruno Sammartino / The Magnificent Muraco / George Wells / Cowboy Bob Orton / George "The Animal" Steele / Mark Henry / Jack Swagger / Damien Sandow / Darren Young / Konnor / Viktor / Goldust / R-Truth
Three bizarre notes in the history of Wrestlemania: 1. Bruno Sammartino and Pedro Morales both wrestled in a Wrestlemania, 2. It was the same match, and 3. It was their only Wrestlemania appearance (not counting Bruno's Hall Of Fame induction, of course). Bruno had two of the five longest World title reigns in the history of WWE, and Pedro had another, and the only time they ever wrestled at a Wrestlemania was buried deep in a shitty cross-promotional battle royal with NFL guys in it.
Now, another thing you might notice is two main event names from this year's Wrestlemania are in this match: Roman Reigns and Shane McMahon. I couldn't find an opponent that made sense with Shane (though that didn't stop them from actually booking him in WM32, now did it?) and honestly, the same goes for Roman. That's not necessarily a knock on these guys so much as it demonstrates their quizzical status in the game. A) What's Shane doing here at all (answer: injury-induced Desperation) and B) Who do you put Roman with? Paul Orndorff? Not compelling. Hercules? Same. Can't put him with Hogan, though that would make sense because Champs fight Champs. So I put him in the Battle Royal, and he will win this thing because he's got the Royal Rumble record for most eliminations in a single year. Believe that, Naruto.
WINNER: ROMAN REIGNS
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
The New Day VS The Dream Team
This match would be all right, but it would feel like any other tag title defense these guys have ever made. Beefcake & Valentine would get in some licks, but The New Day are so over they can't be beat right now.
WINNER: THE NEW DAY
LOS ANGELES
The Usos VS The Killer B's
Two high flying tag teams doing their thing. B's try their Masked Twin Magic switcharoo deal, but B. Brian Blair gets a savat kick to the back of the head during the rollup, Usos fly and win the day, making him humble.
WINNER THE USOS
AJ Styles VS Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
This is another reason I didn't go with Styles/Savage. This would be a better match in my opinion. I cannot even begin to describe how good this would be. I cannot do it justice. This would be the best match on the card. And in the end, I feel like the Phenomenal One has more innovation in his offense, and that's what will allow him to excel past such a talent like Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. But it would be damn close.
WINNER: AJ STYLES
Tyler Breeze VS Adorable Adrian Adonis
Confession: I've never seen Tyler Breeze wrestle. Well, he was in the Rumble but this year but that doesn't count. I honestly have no idea what this guy can do in the ring. What I do know is he's only won...two main roster matches? I think? I've at least seen Adrian Adonis win before, so by that alone, I give the Adorable one the duke over Prince Pretty.
WINNER: ADORABLE ADRIAN ADONIS
Chris Jericho VS Bret "The Hitman" Hart
This might be the second best match on the card. Yes, it's 1986 Bret Hart VS 2016 Chris Jericho, but that would still be fucking amazing. Taking that into account, however, I have to do the unthinkable and put Jericho over. Bret Hart was awesome even back then, but Chris Jericho now is better than one half of the Hart Foundation before they even started wearing pink.
WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO
The Undertaker & Kane VS King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd
Hoss fight! Four big motherfuckers beatin' on eachother to the delight of...some? It's bowling shoe ugly, but you know 'Taker & Kane win this. Hell, Bundy was the fourth victim of the streak; those two fought at Wrestlemania 11.
WINNER: THE BROTHERS OF DESTRUCTION
WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Triple H VS Hulk Hogan
As good as The Game is, he lost his only match against the Hulkster in 2002 when Hulk was 49. In this scenario, the shoe is on the other foot: Hogan is in his prime and Helmsley is almost 47. Also, IT'S HULK HOGAN IN HIS PRIME. At Wrestlemania. We'll say The Game kicks out of the legdrop, but not the second one. And once again, Wrestlemania ends with ten minutes of "I Am A Real American" and lots of muscle poses. As it should, really.
WINNER: HULK HOGAN
So, that's it. Let me know what you think in the comments. Or if you wanna bitch about Wrestlemania 32 down there, feel free! The Showcase of the Immortals may be in a state of flux right now, but holy shit, you could say the same of Wrestlemania 2. Then we got Wrestlemania III, so hey. Keep the faith.
Thanks for reading!
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