Who Gives A Shit? Nobody. But Nonetheless...Music Reviews.

Foo Fighters "Sonic Highways" ** and 1/2

Sounds like any other classic rock band putting out an album now.  Which is crazy, since they're from the 90's, but we're all getting older, aren't we?  But for real, they have the aesthetic of a classic rock band down, reminiscent of something between AC/DC and the Night Flight Orchestra (a band that sounds like the 70's on purpose).  It's easily the best Foo Fighters I've heard in awhile, but that's not saying much since I checked out after "The Color And The Shape".  The most I can say is that the album doesn't suck, and the songs at least feel a little substantive.  It's not my trip, but it sounds like perfectly serviceable rock music, and not rock muzak.  The thing it's missing the most, however is a memorable song, being the only Foo Fighters track I can name since 2002 is "The Pretender".  Kind of a problem.

Pink Floyd "The Endless River"

This some pretty new-agey bullshit right here.  Shame their first album in 20 years (and their last official one before they ride off into the sunset) is worse than Roger Water's swansong with the band "The Final Cut".

U2 "Songs Of Innocence"

Officially the least cool band in the world, "Songs Of Innocence" certainly doesn't help their case.  While still technically better than Pink Floyd's new/old dreck, it's still the most easy listening thing U2 has ever done, so it falls into a similar category.  (Also, it feels like Floyd were coming from a more artistically honest place.  U2 just try to be cool and fail miserably (see: "The Miracle (Of Joey Ramone)")

Big K.R.I.T. "Cadillactica" **

Sounds like Outkast doing exclusively trap beats over slow jam samples.  And that's not the worst thing in the world, even if it gets old by track five.

Nick Jonas

How is this any different than any other pop music in 2014?  "Chains" is an urban demo hit, "Jealous" is Lady Gaga without any talent or balls, "Teacher" wishes it was Chromeo guest starring Justin Timberlake but...This shit fails to be any of these things.  It's almost like somebody recorded an album designed to sound like NOW! 53, but the results wound up being the "Wheat-O's" bagged version to their Cheerios.  Being that listeners have damn near infinite listening options and access to whatever pop hits that already exist, THERE IS NO LOGICAL REASON FOR AN OFF-BRAND.  This album is such a logical fallacy in its redundancy, it SHOULD NOT EXIST.  But it does, and you will have to live with that as a fact.  MWA HA HA HA HA!!!!  (Side note: Does Nick Jonas think an explicit lyrics sticker makes him a bad ass?  In 2014?  Pfff.)

Damien Rice "My Favourite Faded Fantasy"

Remember when I said shitty falsetto indie music was the most dominant music now?  Nailed it!!!  The only thing I didn't predict is that anybody was capable of writing six to nine minute songs in that style.  How does the artist keep THEMSELVES awake long enough to perform this?  The world may never know.

Calvin Harris "Motion"

And here we have the Pepsi to falsetto indie's Coke: Shitty, gutless, soulless technopop with wall of sound synths to overwhelm you into not paying attention to the garbageness of the song.  What really gets my goat though is the blurb on iTunes about this album: "Just as Michael Jackson was the King of Pop, Calvin Harris is the Emperor of EDM."  DaFUQ?  How can someone even matter enough to be Emperor, especially in a climate where everyone is using computers to write, record and produce music using THE EXACT SAME FUCKING SOUND SAMPLES?

How is Calvin Harris distinguishable from any other EDM artist other than his name?  I say this not just as an old man who wants you off his lawn, but as an electronic musician myself.  You have to write songs with the same formula everyone else uses or you'll alienate your fanbase, you have to use the same equipment and same sonic palette or you'll alienate your fanbase, and the presentation has to be the same as well otherwise the fans won't know what to do with it.

How do you even judge which "artist" deserves the crown in a world like that?  WHY DO YOU THINK MOST OF THESE ALBUMS GET ZERO STARS?  They're all expertly built, yet make NO IMPACT.  NONE.  One of the things I miss the most is hearing albums that sucked the wet fucking diseased TAINT because they were poorly done, poorly recorded or shittily written.  THOSE albums were at least amusing; they provoked some kind of reaction.  Now the style is "Make everything as boring and homogenous as possible because we know it works.  Gotta get that crossover appeal!"

Holy shit.  Wasn't expecting to go off like that.  Make no mistake, Calvin Harris didn't provoke that reaction; I've had that feeling for awhile.  I merely drew an arbitrary line of demarcation that THIS is where I'm gonna unload both barrels of my linguistic rage on this unsuspecting motherfucker.  I'm back baby!


So anyway, I'll keep doing reviews as long as I have time (maybe the next few days) and I'll release a new batch once a week.  Maybe I'll find something that doesn't sound like a wet digital fart!